Monday, February 27, 2012

Day 48


Day 48
Three things I am forced to take a break from being: happy, friendly and funny. I still am at times but only about 5% of the time. A break from these things might be a good thing though. I can see them coming back with a vengeance when I get out since they were repressed in here for so long. I am loving what God has been telling me lately. Mainly that all the junk or hard things in my life before coming here was to help me to be in a mind set here that would better my future. I’m not even half way done with life yet so this second half will make up for the first. This is the breaking point, this is the crash that God allowed so that he could reassemble me. I have a fresh start. The main element in this rebirth is surrender-full surrender to God. That doesn’t mean for me to wait to see what he does but to go and see what he does. He’s got a plan and I’m excited to see what it is. So I got you and Alyssa’s letters. Wasn’t that so sweet how she wrote “I love you a lot”? Are you telling these people to be sweet-her and Alex? I’m amazed by it cause they aren’t much for talking like that in person. I would write her a letter back but it was so short and I wouldn’t be able to write a whole page probably-I don’t know though-you tell me anyone out there that you think it would be important for me to write to first and I will trust your instinct. This radio show that celly listens to for 3 hours every evening-it has become my only source of entertainment. Go to his website blowmeuptom.com to check out what I’m exposed to. The main theme and point he drills more than anything is that there is no benefit for men to be married now days. That men can “get more of what they really want” if single cause most girls give it out like nothing now days. Men and women continually call in and agree. The funny thing is though that he says there is only one exception: if the girl makes more than you and you’re man enough to handle that. In fact he recommends only one or the other as the only beneficial options. The main idea behind this wildly popular show is that you are a moron if you are a man and not single or with a girl that makes more than you. It is probably written on the website. Christians call in a lot too and even agree. My celly and I got into a brief argument due to me disagreeing with Lykus. He has been listening to this show for 10 years while living here in SoCal (he’s from Anaheim). Sorry I am going off about this but like I said it is really my only source of outside entertainment as we have no TV and only a small handful of trash novels. Anyway on today’s program they are talking about how through history women have acted like men owe them their financial support and how women have never felt the need to support men. They are saying that women have equal opportunity now that they are more educated than men and that more jobs are mental now instead of physical. I don’t think anyone should let go of their goals, men or women, and expect someone else to strive for theirs alone. We should all try to achieve greater levels of education and independence. If a couple has kids though I feel it is important that at least one parent is home making it their career to take care of the kids and not a daycare raising them y’ know?





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Sunday, February 19, 2012

Day 47


Day 47
That “support team is here in California” thing that I need to tell them when they try to send me to North Carolina well I was thinking would it seem ridiculous to say if I only had a couple visits from family to call it my “support team”. I guess it’s up to God anyway but the point is is it considered that I have support if I’m lacking visits? So anyway I’ve had to have gained some weight back while in the SHU cause no activity. I refused shower yesterday which led to refusing cage dwell also and today I won’t go out either til next shower due to not wanting to sweat. I will shower next time. I just don’t like dealing with all the handling of me like I’m an axe murderer so when I refuse I physically avoid that. I got use to refusing last week but no more. It’s probably not too healthy to refuse getting out of this cell to have that split in the day since nothing happens in here. The reason I said on the phone “who cares about me, let’s make you okay” is cause I can handle anything as long as I know it’s just temporary-anything is endurable as long as I see a light at the end of it. So just slowly chugging along still with my letter writing since I aint sending out from SHU til I know for sure that you got 5/29 – 6/7. Hopefully you’ll have it figured when I call you in a couple days but if not I’ll just remind you and hold my letters another week. Hey by then I should have 5 whole pages. It’s like Paul McCartney said the letter writing really slows down by the 2nd month. I know for me nothing happens in here and for you out there it’s pretty much been the same everyday except for weekends. So we neither have much to write except our feelings and inner thoughts. You said it is painful to write me cause it makes you focus on me too much. Think about us spoiled Americans who have it so easy. Even right now cause it’s true -would you rather live in Africa, Middle East, Russia or Asian countries (most) -most of the world still has it worse than us via long term suffering.  Just got your letter saying you got 3 from me so I WILL send this just let me know any dates are missing. Celly told me that inmates will have their chicks get a 2nd phone line with a Long Beach area code. That way we don’t pay the long distance rate. I got your letter today and felt emotion reading it-was good! I adore you my lovely wife




Friday, February 17, 2012

Day 46


Day 46
My bunky is one of those people who it’s okay for him to sleep but only when I’m sleeping he does drumming on his thighs with his hands, clears throat with a yell, exaggerated laughter etc. . I am continuing to build patience and tolerance. This is the rudest person I have ever known. He thinks he’s way smart but has a subscription to the National Enquirer and The Globe-still continues to stink-fart moist lingerers-foochy. I still have a size 12 and 13 both left slip-ons and the same jumpsuit all 15 days and still only little one sentence communication. I finally got mail today. Finally got a letter from someone other than you, mom, Jen or Gma-Amber sent a bday invention for Leo’s 6th . Anyway homeboy here sucks his teeth for hours on end. Dead silence for some time and then it starts up-the sound of sucking. I cringed a lot from the sounds that come from down there (bottom bunk). I am not critical of people cause if I was guilty of the frequencies of these I would not speak. I am dead silent reading, writing and sleeping. Compared to him my body noises are a monk vow of silence. Men are so disgusting. I am understanding why many women are totally grossed out by their guy-gotta cover-another fart. So anyway member how you said you are only gonna speak Spanish if we have a baby? I like what my friend here at Terminal Island said he does with his baby; says the word or sentence in one language then the other. I would not argue if you say that you said that already. Anyway I think that’s good, that is, if the Lord wills for us to have babies. We will be good with his will.






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Friday, February 10, 2012

Day 45


Day 45
I started back up reading in Isaiah but the King James Version is sometimes hard to follow. So I went to Romans-which is the last book in the new testament that I remember reading to. So yeah celly always turns up this radio show to where I can hear it. This show is real popular here in L.A.. He is always talking about why things in society keep continuing. This week he is talking about why men always cheat and/or are jerks to their wives. The callers are all saying that wives are not respected that don’t work and because they aren’t in the workforce and are home a lot they are less respected and less intelligent. Anyway so I think we talk about that before that you developed a lot of good attributes from getting educated and being out in the workforce. Point is you didn’t just earn money in all this time of working. You gained things for yourself like: respect, independence, dignity, strength, higher intelligence, power etc.. What if you married some dude who worked and didn’t want you to and you had kids then he cheated and left you like some people we know. I think since God knew I was coming here he needed you to be self sufficient. God also knew thus no kids. Anyway have I mentioned the “shakedowns” here at TI (Terminal Island)? Out of nowhere a team of guards come in to search through all your stuff. Trying to remain content in the hole is a great feat of endurance. Seems some have failed the test and gone completely mad.

Now from my journal the day before I had to self surrender:
Jack’d up! This day is a trip! I’m goin to Badtown tomorrow. Hopefully it’s not all the hell I’m thinking it will be. Mars has been super duper sweet and friendly with me. I will pray for her strength and happiness daily. Well here I go to take it like a man-man up! Should be okay just some anxieties-be fine. Christ is going with me in there in me. 




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Friday, February 3, 2012

Day 44


Day 44
It’s weird to think how oblivious I am in here to what reality was. I haven’t seen the outdoors for a week. Haven’t even left this tiny cell in a week til I got a quick shower finally today. The water barely drizzles out and is scolding hot. I am unshaven and ignorant. This is my rebirth. I still continually feel the friction from me holding on to the good things about myself. The high powered hose of adjustment or “correction” is pressure washing my reality. The hole really sucks but it might be good for one. Being so confined for real. At least out there you chose whether you want to be locked inside or out every hour. I am thinking of this time as where God wants me right now. It really really sucks that we don’t have all those 15 minute calls anymore. At least it’s only for a small part of my sentence. This is like my rebirth. I feel myself getting dumber in the SHU. Nothing to challenge or stimulate me. I can’t wait for my Desk Reference book. I’m gonna say hi to it and it’s gonna say hi to me. So are you liking my letters. I’m not really thinking about my writing. I got mind blinders on and am dumber than usual. Not just in the hole but through this whole experience here on the island. It’s hard to think free when you’re not. It’s hard to have control of your mind when your body is forced to be where it doesn’t want to be. I told my celly about how these letters will be read by my grandchildren. He was right when he said “I don’t want my future generations to remember me as a prisoner”. It’s impossible to talk to this guy, he is the most touchy person I have ever met, by far. About 80% of what I say gets a response like “why would you think that” or “you just don’t get it do you” or “tell me you’re joking”. He really says these a lot that’s why I only talk for maybe 2 minutes a day-nah more like 1 or less. I have never snapped back but patience is wearing. Well I finally got a bible here to read. Found a King James Version of the Holy Bible on the book cart. All trash novels on there then the Holy Bible.



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