Day 58
Did
I ever mention that most of the white guys around the island are either
bikers or Godless heathens (many Hell's Angels) and most of the other
races are gang bangers. Warner almost had me convinced that there are
many white collar guys here. This is hardly anyone's first stop of
incarceration. In fact I think that's why there are so many hard people
here cause the majority of them are coming from another prison. Out of
all the new people I've heard talk, all of them had been to another
prison before coming here. Remember back in the day when we use to fight
and I would say that I had to force myself to fight back as not to be
emasculated? There is only one reason I argue and that is to defend
myself. I feel the need to defend myself for only two reason-to not feel
talked down to and to try to stop the other person from having an
attitude.The reason I am dissecting this right now is to figure out why I
continue to indure without arguing back with this guy and some others
here on the island. Day after day, week after week, not an hour has gone
by where someone wasn't being rude or talking down to me even worse
than you used to. So why don't I feel the need to defend myself or the
need to teach them a lesson? I don't ever feel fear and am confident I
can beat them up verbally and physically. I know why- it's because I
don't care enough about them to feel talked down to or emasculated. What
they say has no meaning to me. I also don't care enough at that moment
to verbally put them in their place or humble their bad self. The main
thing I think when they really snap without warrant is by me not
stopping them or letting them know that it is not okay to speak to
someone like this they will continue this attitude manifestation on
others and it will ruin all their relationships and that is more
hard-core than me putting them in their place. That is what I think and
know will happen so I hold back and let them rip. Isn't that cruel? Now
that's rude -waiting them out so that it destroys their social
interactions long-term. See this guy here is divorced and tells me of
problem after problem he has had with family, friends, bosses, and
coworkers as well as other inmates which is what brought him to the hole
for 77 days now. I care about you too much and I know you don't display
an attitude towards others but when you used to with me I tried to stop
it because it made me like you less and that is not good for our
relationship -me liking you less. See there is millions of relationships
where the chick yells, nags or just gives her man attitude and instead
of the man getting upset that his precious and feminine princess is
attacking him like a man with testosterone he lets her continue day
after day until he goes and finds another chic or leaves her. My new
method will be to love you and treat you as Christ would want me to
(this is easy because I adore you) and when things pop up that you don't
like (which chances are through time they will) I will listen to you,
hear you and go right back to treating you with as much love as Christ
had for the church. I will not argue with you. If it is something real
important that you really must know it will be told to you in a casual
and respectful way another time when we are happy and relaxed. No more
angry communication. We can get any point across during calm and happy
times. Most of our fights were about either unimportant things that
never came back around or a very important topic (just a few) that would
continually resurface. Those latter disputes I mentioned are things
that require action rather than argument. Disagreements are inevitable
but I have vowed to keep you happy so I will hear you and wait a day or
two, let it sink in, dwell on where you're coming from, and if needed,
get back to you. See that there is one of the great advantages of
learning patients. One could never consistently do that unless they went
through some serious endurance situations that built unhumanlike
patients in them. See we we did lack patients. Do you think if we had a
kid a few years ago that we would have enough patience to refrain from
arguing with them in ear distance? I can see now that I wouldn't have
before all this and we are not even done yet. We're still at the
beginning stages of this rebirth. God is giving us something more
valuable than he has given anyone we know-virtues that will stick and
last forever. Only something that is this hard-core can do long-term
reversal in a human. In a Christians life God is to be in control-that's
why we surrender our lives to him and ask him to be our master and
ruler. Freewill may have put me in here but God is in control and can
manipulate any situation in a Christians life if they do what he wants
and surrender that situation fully to him and sit back and reap the
benefits despite the harshness. He likes us so much! And I like you so
much because I don't just think but know 100% for sure that God made us
for each other. We were designed to be together. All our childhood and
teen years he was putting in each of us what we needed. The funny thing
is despite any times I was upset and said otherwise I have always felt
like God put us together. He's told my heart over and over even back
when we were just engaged. My mouth has had trouble expressing all this
until today but like you recently said I seem to communicate better
through writing. I super love you!
