Day 52

Day 52

Well 3 week in here and almost two months on the island. How about this second month?  Hasn’t it seemed to go by quicker than the first? I mean wasn’t that so recently that you kept saying “and it’s only been one month”. Notice how my writing has slowed down? Yesterday and today is almost over and I barely started writing. So since the selection is so shabby on the book cart I am reading that book Soon and another one called Holes. Remember the movie? It is a great story-though for a younger crowd-but hey- can’t be a chooser in here. Anyway my headaches are still going away after I burp. Everytime I get those sudden severe headaches like the one before the aneurysm rupture, then I burp and within minutes it’s gone. Could it have been gas that caused my brain aneurysm? hmmm

Day 51

Day 51

I am officially as bored as possible. I am having a hard time following the KJV- I always stopped reading something when there’s too many words I don’t understand. Thou goest wentworth to thine bethelest preordination and such. My celly wants to know what the age difference has to be for it to be statutory-he says it’s definitely nine months-but he matter of facts a lot. Time is slowing down in this hole. My original guards of adjustment are going down and I’m starting to pay attention to the detail of time. I started working on my bible memorizing again but I’m only using the KJV to get me started on the line by memory- I don’t want to memorize KJV cause I want to be able to help the basic person on the street who wouldn’t know half those words. Just know all that-the nonstop body functions, the not letting me sleep on purpose and w/ snoring both-these things never ever cease-just stopping writing it. So anyway don’t forget you might want to check out those two how to fix, repair and build books-They give easy step by step instructions including what materials you need. You may find new sink installation. Anyway I’m real anxious for my book. I’m sure it’s hard to fathom just sitting on a bunk all day with nothing but writing paper and a bible version that’s hard to understand. Only sleeping about 6 hours a day due to you know. Writing doesn’t always come easy to me-actually it did til I got in here and haven’t much happening thus no experiences to express or ideas stemming from them. Just that which comes out of my under stimulated brain which has numbed and quieted itself down as a defense mechanism for extreme boredom and lack of control. I’m actually reading a novel I found on cart today-it’s by author Jerry Jenkins-who co-wrote “Left Behind”.  I’ve actually read 55 pages since I got it two hours ago. You should read it-it’s pretty good so fsr-it’s called “Soon”. It appears to be book one of a series.

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Day 50

Day 50

Rom 5:3-4 is that one that pertains to this time. Also in the KJV Rom 2:1 at the end is straight says one of my theories. I forgot that my theories can usually be backed by scripture. It’s wisdom from God who lives in me I guess. “For thou that judgest doeth the same things” or as I say, we shouldn’t tell people that they’re wrong about this or that because everything we complain about we ourselves are guilty of (or will be) in some way, shape or form. That’s why instead of resenting or getting angry at someone we would need to complete the process of clearing all the planks from our own eyes. Many scriptures back up that unless we are perfect we shall not judge or condemn another. Most of the 1^st half of Rom 2 KJV says. I’m not talking to you I’m talking to myself and everyone on earth that I know. I am upset a lot with Paul McCartney because he has to make a body sound every 30 seconds. I am really becoming aware of this just in the past week. Never stops-even as I have written this he has: hiccupped, farted, yawned, burped, cleared throat, sneezed, coughed, sniffed, sucked teeth, and popped joints. It is more like every 15 seconds and I cringe because I’m dumbfounded-it’s always going nonstop. I can’t ever nap because of it. Even when he sleeps it’s snoring. What is wrong with this poor guy. He drums on his bare skin with his hands, crumbles papers and plastic, fans through a books pages with thumb over and over-it’s all on purpose right? My blood boils-other than him it is dead silent in here a lot. I don’t barely even make a peep. When he does speak he’s critical especially responding to me. That part has gotten better though as I snap back now. It’s the only thing that stops him—pew pew-gotta cover-rot. Anyway everyday I tell myself not to write about this but I’m trapped 23 to 24 hours a day for almost 3 weeks of this nonstop. Maybe it’s a pagan demon or I like to think it’s God trying to build patience in me. I am ashamed to be part of the male species. I will be happy to never have interactions with another man when I leave Man Island here. I can’t sleep cause the holms gets louder out of jealousy I guess, I don’t know. The point was I don’t complain about things that I am guilty of but I must be semi-equal with other lame things or at least to believe I am so that I can end the judging. I hate judging. I am not petty-these are abnormally inconsiderate things I speak of. Sound is ten time louder in this little sound proof concrete box. You only had one little thing that I had complained about. I worded it wrong though I think. Not anger but attitude or negativity. I get angry in here. I don’t look at him with attitude (though for the moment I do) but pity and confusion. I get angry at the odds and absurdity but I love and continue to feel love and sympathy for this guy. I look at the positive side and that is I am learning patience which is an awesome attribute to gain. This place also makes YOU look more and more perfect. The people here are so lame that all those hundreds of things I like about you are magnified. Now even your attitude problem is no big deal. Don’t get upset I have more planks than you and I’m sorry for pointing your one plank out. I will put forth effort to avoid ever doing that. I think a better and more effective way to help you with that is prayer and example. Help me if years down the road I forget. Prayer and example is my only option k? From this moment on hold me to that k? It really is the only thing that will work. Obviously me continuing to keep you aware of it was no help and possibly only made it more prevalent and surfacey-forgive me for that. I convince myself that that was the way to help you was to continue bringing it to your awareness instead of the best way to help through prayer and example with most concentration of ridding my own planks. See I have more potential to be a better man than you will find in the world. Mucho Gusto

Day 49

Day 49

I’m sad for Ali and Alyssa that Javier went to prison but in a way it is a blessing for us cause your parents are understanding of the fact that I had to come here. Hawaii! That’s cool that Sid and Sunny can fly us there but we got to have some cash saved up for room and food. Well at least we know that we will get to go. I like how Sunny woke up early to make me my last home cooked meal before coming here; egg and ham sandwich-it was the best! She did her devotion while I ate. Then when she dropped me off she asked me to forgive her for when she got mad at me at Gma’s that day-she was super cool! Anyway though, I hope we can go to Hawaii soon after this, we could use a romantic getaway. So I’m upset w/ Mike- I don’t care what he says does or says to me but he has upset my wife way too many times. Your safety should be way up on his top priority. As a father his daughter-in-law whose husband got put away needs to be dwelling on your safety at this time and helping you fix that fence issue. You should make a habit of putting that pole in the sliding glass door while you’re there and not. By now hundreds of people know you’re living alone. All mom and Mike’s friends and friends friends and maybe even friends, friends friends but who knows how far it goes. Bunch of pervs and criminals. With that pole you are safe. It’s not that hard to reach down and grab. Just start a habit. Most importantly I hope you are remembering to lock that front door every time. I remember how the baby’s greeting would distract us at times. I pray you will do everything w/ more caution-no out at night alone, carry cell and spray always-come on make Jefe proud J Anyway see how the blood-related men to me got on the ball-Gpa might actually forget though so you can give him a reminder. Anyway yeah I’m glad you are getting closer to Sunny. She was my best friend growing up. She was a brat but I also antagonized her because of it. But I really enjoy her perception and I know you could be just as good of friends w/ her as you are w/ Jen cause Sunny thinks just as much as Jen and I. Jen and Sunny are my favorite peeps. I feel close to them. Shawn and Gma are pretty cool too! My mom I would like a lot more if she wasn’t so influence by those around her. She is manipulated and has thus become a manipulator. Watch out for that. It’s sometimes real subtle like most effective manipulation is. I think you know what I mean but one example is how they kind of encouraged me to drink and smoke. They don’t want to feel guilty because I use to make them feel dumb about it when I was younger at times. Anyway besides being cautious the only other thing I ask is that you not drink with non God fearers. I know you know all this as you have more control than anyone I know and I really respect that. I wonder why the baby wouldn’t sleep in that bed with you? I bet I was the last one to sleep in it. How was the bay with Sunny while you were at the training those days. The reason I liked this last letter is because you were so positive about everything. That sucks that Sid forgot that printer for photos. I kind of forgot the details of your face again. I keep picturing you like 10 years ago with the pixie hair. Oh that was gross that Uncle Lynn ate meat from the fridge that was 2 weeks old. That is not like me-I would never do that, eww, never, never. So no Jen hasn’t indicated to me that she is depressed or having a hard time so I did end up writing her a letter, despite her short little one. Just got my first visitor approval—it’s you. So anyway you spoke of needing more space to put the stuff from the spare room-have you checked out the backyard storage attic yet? So if you send me that book make sure you take everything out of it first or the guards will think it’s a scam. 

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Day 48

Day 48

Three things I am forced to take a break from being: happy, friendly and funny. I still am at times but only about 5% of the time. A break from these things might be a good thing though. I can see them coming back with a vengeance when I get out since they were repressed in here for so long. I am loving what God has been telling me lately. Mainly that all the junk or hard things in my life before coming here was to help me to be in a mind set here that would better my future. I’m not even half way done with life yet so this second half will make up for the first. This is the breaking point, this is the crash that God allowed so that he could reassemble me. I have a fresh start. The main element in this rebirth is surrender-full surrender to God. That doesn’t mean for me to wait to see what he does but to go and see what he does. He’s got a plan and I’m excited to see what it is. So I got you and Alyssa’s letters. Wasn’t that so sweet how she wrote “I love you a lot”? Are you telling these people to be sweet-her and Alex? I’m amazed by it cause they aren’t much for talking like that in person. I would write her a letter back but it was so short and I wouldn’t be able to write a whole page probably-I don’t know though-you tell me anyone out there that you think it would be important for me to write to first and I will trust your instinct. This radio show that celly listens to for 3 hours every evening-it has become my only source of entertainment. Go to his website blowmeuptom.com to check out what I’m exposed to. The main theme and point he drills more than anything is that there is no benefit for men to be married now days. That men can “get more of what they really want” if single cause most girls give it out like nothing now days. Men and women continually call in and agree. The funny thing is though that he says there is only one exception: if the girl makes more than you and you’re man enough to handle that. In fact he recommends only one or the other as the only beneficial options. The main idea behind this wildly popular show is that you are a moron if you are a man and not single or with a girl that makes more than you. It is probably written on the website. Christians call in a lot too and even agree. My celly and I got into a brief argument due to me disagreeing with Lykus. He has been listening to this show for 10 years while living here in SoCal (he’s from Anaheim). Sorry I am going off about this but like I said it is really my only source of outside entertainment as we have no TV and only a small handful of trash novels. Anyway on today’s program they are talking about how through history women have acted like men owe them their financial support and how women have never felt the need to support men. They are saying that women have equal opportunity now that they are more educated than men and that more jobs are mental now instead of physical. I don’t think anyone should let go of their goals, men or women, and expect someone else to strive for theirs alone. We should all try to achieve greater levels of education and independence. If a couple has kids though I feel it is important that at least one parent is home making it their career to take care of the kids and not a daycare raising them y’ know?

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Day 47

Day 47

That “support team is here in California” thing that I need to tell them when they try to send me to North Carolina well I was thinking would it seem ridiculous to say if I only had a couple visits from family to call it my “support team”. I guess it’s up to God anyway but the point is is it considered that I have support if I’m lacking visits? So anyway I’ve had to have gained some weight back while in the SHU cause no activity. I refused shower yesterday which led to refusing cage dwell also and today I won’t go out either til next shower due to not wanting to sweat. I will shower next time. I just don’t like dealing with all the handling of me like I’m an axe murderer so when I refuse I physically avoid that. I got use to refusing last week but no more. It’s probably not too healthy to refuse getting out of this cell to have that split in the day since nothing happens in here. The reason I said on the phone “who cares about me, let’s make you okay” is cause I can handle anything as long as I know it’s just temporary-anything is endurable as long as I see a light at the end of it. So just slowly chugging along still with my letter writing since I aint sending out from SHU til I know for sure that you got 5/29 – 6/7. Hopefully you’ll have it figured when I call you in a couple days but if not I’ll just remind you and hold my letters another week. Hey by then I should have 5 whole pages. It’s like Paul McCartney said the letter writing really slows down by the 2^nd month. I know for me nothing happens in here and for you out there it’s pretty much been the same everyday except for weekends. So we neither have much to write except our feelings and inner thoughts. You said it is painful to write me cause it makes you focus on me too much. Think about us spoiled Americans who have it so easy. Even right now cause it’s true -would you rather live in Africa, Middle East, Russia or Asian countries (most) -most of the world still has it worse than us via long term suffering.  Just got your letter saying you got 3 from me so I WILL send this just let me know any dates are missing. Celly told me that inmates will have their chicks get a 2^nd phone line with a Long Beach area code. That way we don’t pay the long distance rate. I got your letter today and felt emotion reading it-was good! I adore you my lovely wife

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Day 46

Day 46

My bunky is one of those people who it’s okay for him to sleep but only when I’m sleeping he does drumming on his thighs with his hands, clears throat with a yell, exaggerated laughter etc. . I am continuing to build patience and tolerance. This is the rudest person I have ever known. He thinks he’s way smart but has a subscription to the National Enquirer and The Globe-still continues to stink-fart moist lingerers-foochy. I still have a size 12 and 13 both left slip-ons and the same jumpsuit all 15 days and still only little one sentence communication. I finally got mail today. Finally got a letter from someone other than you, mom, Jen or Gma-Amber sent a bday invention for Leo’s 6^th . Anyway homeboy here sucks his teeth for hours on end. Dead silence for some time and then it starts up-the sound of sucking. I cringed a lot from the sounds that come from down there (bottom bunk). I am not critical of people cause if I was guilty of the frequencies of these I would not speak. I am dead silent reading, writing and sleeping. Compared to him my body noises are a monk vow of silence. Men are so disgusting. I am understanding why many women are totally grossed out by their guy-gotta cover-another fart. So anyway member how you said you are only gonna speak Spanish if we have a baby? I like what my friend here at Terminal Island said he does with his baby; says the word or sentence in one language then the other. I would not argue if you say that you said that already. Anyway I think that’s good, that is, if the Lord wills for us to have babies. We will be good with his will.

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