Day 56

Day 56

So I got your letter today from the 16^th – 18^th and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I want you to tell me if I should start writing bigger cause it’s only 80 cents for like 50 pages. So let me know if it’s worth it to you. In the meantime I will practice writing bigger and still more impact like this-it will still take up a little more room cause the letters are wider. I just finished the book “Holes” which was good and am halfway through “Soon”. When we moved into this cell a couple days ago someone left some books- “Think and Grow Rich” and a Spanish translation book so I started both of those. I’m trying to at least learn some Spanish while in here huh? So far I memorized all the question words-who, when and all that and right now I’m memorizing things in a room-just common things like: chair, silla, clock, reloj and a few others-just got it two days ago so… yeah this dude still breathes super loud and plays with the spit in his mouth hours. They forgot to let us go out again yesterday. What’s cool is that I get to call you tonight but only for a couple minutes then wait for July. Are you excited about camping in a couple of weeks? Don’t forget to write a bunch while you’re there. So I am really going to try to lighten up on the harshness of this place cause I really enjoyed when you responded to my letter and don’t want you to feel that feeling when you face my reality. It’s not too difficult for me to deal with cause I’m tougher than leather. It is however, difficult for me to think about you worrying. I will attempt to  stay conscious of keeping me expressions of the bad stuff to a minimum. It sounds like you want me to send letters to the house and not to the PO Box. It’s not super important on my end right now while in SHU so I’ll go back to that til I’m out. Anyways they give us a fresh pair of underwear when we shower but I couldn’t shower that week cause no shower shoes but I was able to buy more so never have to do that again. I do have to wear the same jumpsuit everyday though and it’s starting to reek. I bet you found another language flaw. It probably isn’t a “pair” of underwear like some folks say. Well tried to call you a few times but you’re probably still at work so I’ll call on Saturday. I should call Sundays since you don’t work and I got to get the phone when I can. I can’t really bother a guard twice on their shift.

Happy Birthday To My Niece Raina!!!!

Day 55

Day 55

Member when we use to put the baby in the kitchen on Esplanade with that cardboard blocking. She was just a little baby then and use to wake me up crying everyday. I would go get here and bring her back to the bed and she would curl up and go right to sleep. Did we traumatize her and create emotional problems or did it train her to be more independent and prepare and normalize being alone for her. Puppies go potty a lot and often are raised on a chain outside all day. I think we did okay she’s super smart. The only thing about her is that funky attitude towards guys and other doggies. So what do you think about my future in the computer field? It’s not doomed right?  Anyway I have been praying for Joe-hope he got good news from the specialist. I pray for your stress related anxiety too! You can eat lots of cereal and yogurt and quesadillas can’t you? Cereal you can eat for two meals if needed. You need to keep nutrients flowing through you. You can never expect to have enough energy or stress relief if you don’t eat properly. When I was younger I wasn’t hungry a few times a week but I forced some food in me cause I would think “I’m not hungry but my body might be”. It is highly important to keep your body healthy with the carbs, protein, good fats, vitamins and minerals coming only from food. I also pray for your safety and your emotions every day. Take care of you- I need you around for many years to come at least maybe you can add a year to your life to make up for this time I don’t have you J. Anyway if you come across a C++  paperback let me know cause C plus plus certification can get me many different computer jobs and I have lots of time to read now. The holmes here just gave me a fine example of how he communicates more often than not: while listening to Tom Lykus the subject is “tell me what you learn from this show”. So all the callers are calling in right and left all thanking Tom for this and that. At the end Tom says “this has been a terrific show” I says “well yeah everyone has been thanking you” the holmes here, using his usual hateful pagan voice goes “did you not hear the subject of the show” I says “yeah ‘tell me what you learn from this show’” hateful voice again “yeah, so they are thanking them for what they learned”. So you see how I was just talking casually, not even debating anything, just giving the reason why the host said it was a terrific show? This is what I deal w/ all day if I dare talk. He talks about 20 minutes a day and maybe too and keep in mind we are just sitting here in this tiny cell all day and night. Like this example, I am usually not even talking to him when I do talk. Anyway I can’t believe you were able to clean the Tercel in the summer heat. Probably did it in the a.m. or something huh? I know you’re saying it just had to be done. Paul McCartney is schooling me on paganism right now and this pen keeps going out on me as usual. Yeah I do look a bit ugly now. I only lost that 10 pounds but might have gained it back with no activity in the hole here. I do have a beard which is ugly and my hair was shaved on like #1 like a week ago but you know what I haven’t seen my face in 24 days which is a record for me. I bet I have set over 100 personal records within the hole. When I was a kid and Three’s Company was my first and only favorite show childhood through teen years I idolized Jack. For some reason I always put myself in his place so strongly that I always unconsciously thought I WAS Jack Tripper. I know I unconsciously thought it cause it came to my conscious later in life. I just find it funny that I only had one favorite TV show til I was like 20 something-til I met you and you are in love with that kind of character. See God knew that I would absorb the characteristics in me and you would love me. That was cute that you kept saying “I love me some Whittmier”-funny that Alyssa thought you were a freak for that. See I like when you’re funny. It’s that playful thing that I mentioned that I like. Also when you told the shuttle driver amen. See that’s why I don’t like Angelina Jolie cause she’s so serious-no girly giggling, playful femininity. If a guy would say it it’s girly. I will be walking out of here funnier than ever cause that’s what I do to break free my mind from hardships. When I get out I’ll also shave my face and grow my hair long for you. You go right ahead and continue to just think that I’m just away and not here cause your well being and mental health may need that for it’s won safety. I love you my wife, soulmate and bestfriend. Have a good time for me and keep safe and healthy! Love Jeff Tripper

Paid Social Networking Here

Day 52

Day 52

Well 3 week in here and almost two months on the island. How about this second month?  Hasn’t it seemed to go by quicker than the first? I mean wasn’t that so recently that you kept saying “and it’s only been one month”. Notice how my writing has slowed down? Yesterday and today is almost over and I barely started writing. So since the selection is so shabby on the book cart I am reading that book Soon and another one called Holes. Remember the movie? It is a great story-though for a younger crowd-but hey- can’t be a chooser in here. Anyway my headaches are still going away after I burp. Everytime I get those sudden severe headaches like the one before the aneurysm rupture, then I burp and within minutes it’s gone. Could it have been gas that caused my brain aneurysm? hmmm

Day 51

Day 51

I am officially as bored as possible. I am having a hard time following the KJV- I always stopped reading something when there’s too many words I don’t understand. Thou goest wentworth to thine bethelest preordination and such. My celly wants to know what the age difference has to be for it to be statutory-he says it’s definitely nine months-but he matter of facts a lot. Time is slowing down in this hole. My original guards of adjustment are going down and I’m starting to pay attention to the detail of time. I started working on my bible memorizing again but I’m only using the KJV to get me started on the line by memory- I don’t want to memorize KJV cause I want to be able to help the basic person on the street who wouldn’t know half those words. Just know all that-the nonstop body functions, the not letting me sleep on purpose and w/ snoring both-these things never ever cease-just stopping writing it. So anyway don’t forget you might want to check out those two how to fix, repair and build books-They give easy step by step instructions including what materials you need. You may find new sink installation. Anyway I’m real anxious for my book. I’m sure it’s hard to fathom just sitting on a bunk all day with nothing but writing paper and a bible version that’s hard to understand. Only sleeping about 6 hours a day due to you know. Writing doesn’t always come easy to me-actually it did til I got in here and haven’t much happening thus no experiences to express or ideas stemming from them. Just that which comes out of my under stimulated brain which has numbed and quieted itself down as a defense mechanism for extreme boredom and lack of control. I’m actually reading a novel I found on cart today-it’s by author Jerry Jenkins-who co-wrote “Left Behind”.  I’ve actually read 55 pages since I got it two hours ago. You should read it-it’s pretty good so fsr-it’s called “Soon”. It appears to be book one of a series.

Free Cash

Paid Facebook

Day 50

Day 50

Rom 5:3-4 is that one that pertains to this time. Also in the KJV Rom 2:1 at the end is straight says one of my theories. I forgot that my theories can usually be backed by scripture. It’s wisdom from God who lives in me I guess. “For thou that judgest doeth the same things” or as I say, we shouldn’t tell people that they’re wrong about this or that because everything we complain about we ourselves are guilty of (or will be) in some way, shape or form. That’s why instead of resenting or getting angry at someone we would need to complete the process of clearing all the planks from our own eyes. Many scriptures back up that unless we are perfect we shall not judge or condemn another. Most of the 1^st half of Rom 2 KJV says. I’m not talking to you I’m talking to myself and everyone on earth that I know. I am upset a lot with Paul McCartney because he has to make a body sound every 30 seconds. I am really becoming aware of this just in the past week. Never stops-even as I have written this he has: hiccupped, farted, yawned, burped, cleared throat, sneezed, coughed, sniffed, sucked teeth, and popped joints. It is more like every 15 seconds and I cringe because I’m dumbfounded-it’s always going nonstop. I can’t ever nap because of it. Even when he sleeps it’s snoring. What is wrong with this poor guy. He drums on his bare skin with his hands, crumbles papers and plastic, fans through a books pages with thumb over and over-it’s all on purpose right? My blood boils-other than him it is dead silent in here a lot. I don’t barely even make a peep. When he does speak he’s critical especially responding to me. That part has gotten better though as I snap back now. It’s the only thing that stops him—pew pew-gotta cover-rot. Anyway everyday I tell myself not to write about this but I’m trapped 23 to 24 hours a day for almost 3 weeks of this nonstop. Maybe it’s a pagan demon or I like to think it’s God trying to build patience in me. I am ashamed to be part of the male species. I will be happy to never have interactions with another man when I leave Man Island here. I can’t sleep cause the holms gets louder out of jealousy I guess, I don’t know. The point was I don’t complain about things that I am guilty of but I must be semi-equal with other lame things or at least to believe I am so that I can end the judging. I hate judging. I am not petty-these are abnormally inconsiderate things I speak of. Sound is ten time louder in this little sound proof concrete box. You only had one little thing that I had complained about. I worded it wrong though I think. Not anger but attitude or negativity. I get angry in here. I don’t look at him with attitude (though for the moment I do) but pity and confusion. I get angry at the odds and absurdity but I love and continue to feel love and sympathy for this guy. I look at the positive side and that is I am learning patience which is an awesome attribute to gain. This place also makes YOU look more and more perfect. The people here are so lame that all those hundreds of things I like about you are magnified. Now even your attitude problem is no big deal. Don’t get upset I have more planks than you and I’m sorry for pointing your one plank out. I will put forth effort to avoid ever doing that. I think a better and more effective way to help you with that is prayer and example. Help me if years down the road I forget. Prayer and example is my only option k? From this moment on hold me to that k? It really is the only thing that will work. Obviously me continuing to keep you aware of it was no help and possibly only made it more prevalent and surfacey-forgive me for that. I convince myself that that was the way to help you was to continue bringing it to your awareness instead of the best way to help through prayer and example with most concentration of ridding my own planks. See I have more potential to be a better man than you will find in the world. Mucho Gusto

Day 49

Day 49

I’m sad for Ali and Alyssa that Javier went to prison but in a way it is a blessing for us cause your parents are understanding of the fact that I had to come here. Hawaii! That’s cool that Sid and Sunny can fly us there but we got to have some cash saved up for room and food. Well at least we know that we will get to go. I like how Sunny woke up early to make me my last home cooked meal before coming here; egg and ham sandwich-it was the best! She did her devotion while I ate. Then when she dropped me off she asked me to forgive her for when she got mad at me at Gma’s that day-she was super cool! Anyway though, I hope we can go to Hawaii soon after this, we could use a romantic getaway. So I’m upset w/ Mike- I don’t care what he says does or says to me but he has upset my wife way too many times. Your safety should be way up on his top priority. As a father his daughter-in-law whose husband got put away needs to be dwelling on your safety at this time and helping you fix that fence issue. You should make a habit of putting that pole in the sliding glass door while you’re there and not. By now hundreds of people know you’re living alone. All mom and Mike’s friends and friends friends and maybe even friends, friends friends but who knows how far it goes. Bunch of pervs and criminals. With that pole you are safe. It’s not that hard to reach down and grab. Just start a habit. Most importantly I hope you are remembering to lock that front door every time. I remember how the baby’s greeting would distract us at times. I pray you will do everything w/ more caution-no out at night alone, carry cell and spray always-come on make Jefe proud J Anyway see how the blood-related men to me got on the ball-Gpa might actually forget though so you can give him a reminder. Anyway yeah I’m glad you are getting closer to Sunny. She was my best friend growing up. She was a brat but I also antagonized her because of it. But I really enjoy her perception and I know you could be just as good of friends w/ her as you are w/ Jen cause Sunny thinks just as much as Jen and I. Jen and Sunny are my favorite peeps. I feel close to them. Shawn and Gma are pretty cool too! My mom I would like a lot more if she wasn’t so influence by those around her. She is manipulated and has thus become a manipulator. Watch out for that. It’s sometimes real subtle like most effective manipulation is. I think you know what I mean but one example is how they kind of encouraged me to drink and smoke. They don’t want to feel guilty because I use to make them feel dumb about it when I was younger at times. Anyway besides being cautious the only other thing I ask is that you not drink with non God fearers. I know you know all this as you have more control than anyone I know and I really respect that. I wonder why the baby wouldn’t sleep in that bed with you? I bet I was the last one to sleep in it. How was the bay with Sunny while you were at the training those days. The reason I liked this last letter is because you were so positive about everything. That sucks that Sid forgot that printer for photos. I kind of forgot the details of your face again. I keep picturing you like 10 years ago with the pixie hair. Oh that was gross that Uncle Lynn ate meat from the fridge that was 2 weeks old. That is not like me-I would never do that, eww, never, never. So no Jen hasn’t indicated to me that she is depressed or having a hard time so I did end up writing her a letter, despite her short little one. Just got my first visitor approval—it’s you. So anyway you spoke of needing more space to put the stuff from the spare room-have you checked out the backyard storage attic yet? So if you send me that book make sure you take everything out of it first or the guards will think it’s a scam. 

Click Me For Paid Social Networking

Day 48

Day 48

Three things I am forced to take a break from being: happy, friendly and funny. I still am at times but only about 5% of the time. A break from these things might be a good thing though. I can see them coming back with a vengeance when I get out since they were repressed in here for so long. I am loving what God has been telling me lately. Mainly that all the junk or hard things in my life before coming here was to help me to be in a mind set here that would better my future. I’m not even half way done with life yet so this second half will make up for the first. This is the breaking point, this is the crash that God allowed so that he could reassemble me. I have a fresh start. The main element in this rebirth is surrender-full surrender to God. That doesn’t mean for me to wait to see what he does but to go and see what he does. He’s got a plan and I’m excited to see what it is. So I got you and Alyssa’s letters. Wasn’t that so sweet how she wrote “I love you a lot”? Are you telling these people to be sweet-her and Alex? I’m amazed by it cause they aren’t much for talking like that in person. I would write her a letter back but it was so short and I wouldn’t be able to write a whole page probably-I don’t know though-you tell me anyone out there that you think it would be important for me to write to first and I will trust your instinct. This radio show that celly listens to for 3 hours every evening-it has become my only source of entertainment. Go to his website blowmeuptom.com to check out what I’m exposed to. The main theme and point he drills more than anything is that there is no benefit for men to be married now days. That men can “get more of what they really want” if single cause most girls give it out like nothing now days. Men and women continually call in and agree. The funny thing is though that he says there is only one exception: if the girl makes more than you and you’re man enough to handle that. In fact he recommends only one or the other as the only beneficial options. The main idea behind this wildly popular show is that you are a moron if you are a man and not single or with a girl that makes more than you. It is probably written on the website. Christians call in a lot too and even agree. My celly and I got into a brief argument due to me disagreeing with Lykus. He has been listening to this show for 10 years while living here in SoCal (he’s from Anaheim). Sorry I am going off about this but like I said it is really my only source of outside entertainment as we have no TV and only a small handful of trash novels. Anyway on today’s program they are talking about how through history women have acted like men owe them their financial support and how women have never felt the need to support men. They are saying that women have equal opportunity now that they are more educated than men and that more jobs are mental now instead of physical. I don’t think anyone should let go of their goals, men or women, and expect someone else to strive for theirs alone. We should all try to achieve greater levels of education and independence. If a couple has kids though I feel it is important that at least one parent is home making it their career to take care of the kids and not a daycare raising them y’ know?

Click Me For Paid Social Networking

Day 47

Day 47

That “support team is here in California” thing that I need to tell them when they try to send me to North Carolina well I was thinking would it seem ridiculous to say if I only had a couple visits from family to call it my “support team”. I guess it’s up to God anyway but the point is is it considered that I have support if I’m lacking visits? So anyway I’ve had to have gained some weight back while in the SHU cause no activity. I refused shower yesterday which led to refusing cage dwell also and today I won’t go out either til next shower due to not wanting to sweat. I will shower next time. I just don’t like dealing with all the handling of me like I’m an axe murderer so when I refuse I physically avoid that. I got use to refusing last week but no more. It’s probably not too healthy to refuse getting out of this cell to have that split in the day since nothing happens in here. The reason I said on the phone “who cares about me, let’s make you okay” is cause I can handle anything as long as I know it’s just temporary-anything is endurable as long as I see a light at the end of it. So just slowly chugging along still with my letter writing since I aint sending out from SHU til I know for sure that you got 5/29 – 6/7. Hopefully you’ll have it figured when I call you in a couple days but if not I’ll just remind you and hold my letters another week. Hey by then I should have 5 whole pages. It’s like Paul McCartney said the letter writing really slows down by the 2^nd month. I know for me nothing happens in here and for you out there it’s pretty much been the same everyday except for weekends. So we neither have much to write except our feelings and inner thoughts. You said it is painful to write me cause it makes you focus on me too much. Think about us spoiled Americans who have it so easy. Even right now cause it’s true -would you rather live in Africa, Middle East, Russia or Asian countries (most) -most of the world still has it worse than us via long term suffering.  Just got your letter saying you got 3 from me so I WILL send this just let me know any dates are missing. Celly told me that inmates will have their chicks get a 2^nd phone line with a Long Beach area code. That way we don’t pay the long distance rate. I got your letter today and felt emotion reading it-was good! I adore you my lovely wife

Click Me For Free Easy Money

Day 46

Day 46

My bunky is one of those people who it’s okay for him to sleep but only when I’m sleeping he does drumming on his thighs with his hands, clears throat with a yell, exaggerated laughter etc. . I am continuing to build patience and tolerance. This is the rudest person I have ever known. He thinks he’s way smart but has a subscription to the National Enquirer and The Globe-still continues to stink-fart moist lingerers-foochy. I still have a size 12 and 13 both left slip-ons and the same jumpsuit all 15 days and still only little one sentence communication. I finally got mail today. Finally got a letter from someone other than you, mom, Jen or Gma-Amber sent a bday invention for Leo’s 6^th . Anyway homeboy here sucks his teeth for hours on end. Dead silence for some time and then it starts up-the sound of sucking. I cringed a lot from the sounds that come from down there (bottom bunk). I am not critical of people cause if I was guilty of the frequencies of these I would not speak. I am dead silent reading, writing and sleeping. Compared to him my body noises are a monk vow of silence. Men are so disgusting. I am understanding why many women are totally grossed out by their guy-gotta cover-another fart. So anyway member how you said you are only gonna speak Spanish if we have a baby? I like what my friend here at Terminal Island said he does with his baby; says the word or sentence in one language then the other. I would not argue if you say that you said that already. Anyway I think that’s good, that is, if the Lord wills for us to have babies. We will be good with his will.

Click Me For Paid Social Networking

Day 45

Day 45

I started back up reading in Isaiah but the King James Version is sometimes hard to follow. So I went to Romans-which is the last book in the new testament that I remember reading to. So yeah celly always turns up this radio show to where I can hear it. This show is real popular here in L.A.. He is always talking about why things in society keep continuing. This week he is talking about why men always cheat and/or are jerks to their wives. The callers are all saying that wives are not respected that don’t work and because they aren’t in the workforce and are home a lot they are less respected and less intelligent. Anyway so I think we talk about that before that you developed a lot of good attributes from getting educated and being out in the workforce. Point is you didn’t just earn money in all this time of working. You gained things for yourself like: respect, independence, dignity, strength, higher intelligence, power etc.. What if you married some dude who worked and didn’t want you to and you had kids then he cheated and left you like some people we know. I think since God knew I was coming here he needed you to be self sufficient. God also knew thus no kids. Anyway have I mentioned the “shakedowns” here at TI (Terminal Island)? Out of nowhere a team of guards come in to search through all your stuff. Trying to remain content in the hole is a great feat of endurance. Seems some have failed the test and gone completely mad.

Now from my journal the day before I had to self surrender:

Jack’d up! This day is a trip! I’m goin to Badtown tomorrow. Hopefully it’s not all the hell I’m thinking it will be. Mars has been super duper sweet and friendly with me. I will pray for her strength and happiness daily. Well here I go to take it like a man-man up! Should be okay just some anxieties-be fine. Christ is going with me in there in me. 

Click Me For Free Money

Click Me To Own A Website

Click Me For Paid Social Networking

Day 44

Day 44

It’s weird to think how oblivious I am in here to what reality was. I haven’t seen the outdoors for a week. Haven’t even left this tiny cell in a week til I got a quick shower finally today. The water barely drizzles out and is scolding hot. I am unshaven and ignorant. This is my rebirth. I still continually feel the friction from me holding on to the good things about myself. The high powered hose of adjustment or “correction” is pressure washing my reality. The hole really sucks but it might be good for one. Being so confined for real. At least out there you chose whether you want to be locked inside or out every hour. I am thinking of this time as where God wants me right now. It really really sucks that we don’t have all those 15 minute calls anymore. At least it’s only for a small part of my sentence. This is like my rebirth. I feel myself getting dumber in the SHU. Nothing to challenge or stimulate me. I can’t wait for my Desk Reference book. I’m gonna say hi to it and it’s gonna say hi to me. So are you liking my letters. I’m not really thinking about my writing. I got mind blinders on and am dumber than usual. Not just in the hole but through this whole experience here on the island. It’s hard to think free when you’re not. It’s hard to have control of your mind when your body is forced to be where it doesn’t want to be. I told my celly about how these letters will be read by my grandchildren. He was right when he said “I don’t want my future generations to remember me as a prisoner”. It’s impossible to talk to this guy, he is the most touchy person I have ever met, by far. About 80% of what I say gets a response like “why would you think that” or “you just don’t get it do you” or “tell me you’re joking”. He really says these a lot that’s why I only talk for maybe 2 minutes a day-nah more like 1 or less. I have never snapped back but patience is wearing. Well I finally got a bible here to read. Found a King James Version of the Holy Bible on the book cart. All trash novels on there then the Holy Bible.

Click Me To Own A Website

Day 43

Day 43

I had some crazy dreams last night. I dreamt we were at a college party and everyone was chanting "strippers, strippers" and I was passionately instilling upon you that it was an advertising scheme called buzz marketing. That people that worked for the stripping agency went to these parties posing as college kids and chanted so they could sell their product or service through mob mentality. Then I had another dream that Jessica Halvorson fell on some concrete and hit her head and started convulsing and her eyes rolled back and a bunch of family was there trying to save her and Jen turned to me and said-"oh my gosh, you were right, she does die of head trauma". Then I had a dream we were out by some mountain and a ton of strangers were around and on top of the mountain we heard yelling and looked up and someone was dressed in a big bird costume and jumping around on top of the mountain yelling our names and came running down. It ended up being Shawn. Then I had one where we were at a store and Mike Stelling was there telling us about how some 99 year old lady was going around seducing people and suddenly a really old lady came up and told Mike "come with me”. Come to find out she was seducing men and then leaving them alone with other men to try to turn them gay. There were many other dream segments and moments but none that worthy of writing about. Something about a couple crying in a hospital but they were crying about something on a show on TV in the waiting room. There were also some cardboard signs through the dream with my name on them telling me where to go. Anyway I also shortened the dreams there were many fine and great details like when Shawn came down with the Big Bird costume I insisted that someone film me with it on up on the mountain but I was going to "engaged the audience" I kept saying. It took like 30 minutes to put the intricate costume on and I was eating a jelly-filled pastry as I put it on-it was lemon filled. See fine details but even more than that but I won't go into it. Anyway twelve days in the hole. I ask God to forgive me as I started cussing during my prayer last night. This led to my first cry in prison. My celly continues his stink-farts that get trapped in here and loud gagging, snorting, coughing and snoring while I’m trying to sleep so I prayed about it. I then started in about how unjust it is for me to be here and how I shouldn’t be in the hole just because I expressed that I was uncomfortable with some guy rubbing my bare leg. So because I did the right thing letting a psychologist know that this was a progressive problem and that I was forced to go from verbal defense to physical I get all these limitations and problems from staff. Locked up 23 hours a day. Handcuffed before I leave the cell for shower or rec (which are both in a tiny cage). No control of anything including the water and it’s temperature in the shower. Treat like a dangerous animal. Way less phone time. They don’t pack up my shoes that cost me $60 and I am in a stat called RSC, the guard and celly both told me that I’m suppose to have a cell to myself. I am not sure but I was told by my celly that there are some guys in shu with no limits so did they put me in the wrong status. They don’t listen to inmates, I would get in trouble for asking. I’m gonna talk to the Chaplin when I get out of here and see what he says (though he is a smoker and rumor is gay as well). This is just wrong-ethically wrong and unjust. I just want to be in the regular part of prison and treat like the regular inmates. I forgot to mention how limited I am in what I can have or get. Over 75% of my stuff is unavailable to me and I can’t get 95% of commissary. Well anyway can you imagine how much I yearn for you and ache for you in here. I sometimes just dwell on you for long periods of time. I think about how you use to be and look like with the overalls and short hair and how through the years you changed so much. You are the cutest thing I could fathom and you’re mine! I want to give you more than you ever thought would come. I want you to be worry-free. You deserve worry-free as you have had such a worryful last couple of years between this and my aneurysm. I hope it is doing something good for you as an individual. I know for certain it is doing something good for us as a couple. I remember when you use to wear those silly overalls I use to reach in and feel your naked cheeks-I miss that. I miss holding your hand in church and doing you hair at home. Let’s take in this time of being apart and years down the road when we have forgotten this ache for each other we can remember this feeling like I did w/ San Jose summer at times and that was just a couple of weeks. Same with Mexico but this feeling won’t soon be forgotten so easily. I’ve spent 6 days in a row locked in this little closet and tomorrow will make it a week. I think developmental retards are in here-sounds like the Durham Home sometimes. Well anyway if you send my Desk Reference book that should be enough to last me all year. Anyway oh and I was thinking how I am being handled like an axe murderer now-no joke-I am living and being handled in the exact same way that serial killers in America are. Now that’s hardcore and real. Don’t ever worry about me still focus on the growth God’s giving you.

Click Me For Free Money

Day 42

Day 42

The gay is washing our cell door windows again-as if they got dirty in just one day. It is so hot in SHU right now that everyone, except me, hangs out in their tightie whities. Anyway the guards knew the guy was gay (they call him J-Lo too) and that’s why they chose him to linger around in the halls in the name of cleaning. Doesn’t it seem like I would be sleeping a lot in here? Well each time you dose off someone is waking you up w/ laughing, yell-coughing, snoring, singing, yelling and not just my bunky you can hear all the inmates. At least in general population the noise was continuous. So it didn’t catch you off guard or surprise you. Did you know that I’m still sick? I had to stop the amoxicillin at the end of my run w/it and I was starting to get better I think. Now I’m deaf in the ear and stuffed nose and still hocking. Member that thing you hate where people act like you’re crazy cause you have never heard of something. How would you like to hear that several times a day but with an addition? Here is one that just occurred: Paul: “do you think he got that legitimately?”

Me: “who?”

Paul: “Frank”

Me: “Frank who?”

Paul: “Frank Dukus”

Me: “who’s Frank Dukus?”

Paul (w/pissed voice) : “YOU DON”T KNOW WHO FRANK DUKUS IS!?”

It is subconsciously set up to fail the other person so they can act like the other person is retarded. It’s a trap-I rarely talk anymore-game. This place has really shown me what a unique and unannoying man I am. No wonder divorce is so common-even the white collar convicts here are super annoying. I really am the most attractive guy here when it comes to personality. Not even conceded either it’s just a plain fact. I was never around many men as an adult so I never learned a lot as opposed to in here being surrounded by guys. Men are disgusting human beings. I never mentioned that when they interviewed me the other day. The room was looking just like the ones they interrogate people in on the movies only smaller and older. I know when I get out I will be the same person only improved in all areas. I have never gone with the flow. I’m a loner Dotty, a rebel. So mail just came in and not a letter from you in 5 days. I hope you’re okay. I guess I’ll know tonight when I call. It’s okay that you haven’t wrote. I just wanted to basically let you know in case you sent one and it didn’t get to me. I’ve sent one out like every other day since I’ve been in the hole. You should have got like 4. One letter after the vows-no 2 after vows and I think two before. Well just look at the dates. The only dates that should be missing is like 27^th through 29^th I think cause they have them with the stuff they packed up of mine when sent to SHU. They LINGER! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THEY LINGER SOOO LONG! PEE –YOU. Tom Leykis is the radio show that is popular here in L.A.-my celly listens to it every day and I can kind of hear it through his headphones since sound is so amplified in this concrete closet. That’s how I heard about Paris Hilton going to jail, out and then back. I think homeboy here is in shu cause he’s so critical and someone wanted to kick his-hold up-same reason his wife left-no one likes a mistakeful critic. Well I gotta go wait by the door right now for a CO to walk by and see if I can get a phone call of 3 to 4 minutes. TTYS Sweety! 

Day 41

Day 41

SHU inmates are literally the prison rejects. You know I was thinking about how many non-fiction paperbacks you and I have. I could really use some literature in the SHU. If it’s not too expensive you should send me a textbook about History or Sociology or if I have my old Human Relations book that’d be cool. I won’t need more than probably two during this whole time in SHU. If it’s over 10 bucks to send one don’t worry your pretty little head. Well I’ll call you Friday and ask about it-can’t wait to talk to you! Remember if I’m not sounding sweet it’s cause now not only is my celly right there but the whole bottom floor can hear me-less privacy now. So 2^nd day in a row that I don’t go outside to cage due to not wanting to break a sweat due to no showering for 5 days now due to no shower shoes. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to wear the same clothes everyday too. I also would probably have got new shower shoes last week if they would have told me before it was too late that they forgot to pack up my shoes altogether. It aint cool being 100% at the whim of other people, especially prison CO’s. Not known for their differentiation of which inmates are in trouble and which aren’t. The CO’s in SHU have to deal with the prison troublemakers that are sent to the hole day in and day out. Oh yeah so Jen wrote me so gonna write her back. Anyway have you noticed that I stopped asking about the baby? It’s too painful to think about what she must think sometimes. It may even be harder than w/a baby or kid over 2 cause you can kind of explain to them when I’m coming back-maybe even use a calendar or someway for them to get a visual of when papi will be back. An infant I don’t really believe thinks as much or as intricate as the baby does. What’s this toilet story that made mom say that we have a smart little doggy? Yeah so federal prison is no different than state prison from all I’ve gathered from CO’s, inmates and just living here. And when it come to SHU-the hole is the hole. In this book, that I’m about to complete, that bunky gave me to read, there are over a hundred letters from inmates all over the country and anytime someone explains the hole it’s just like, exactly the way I’ve been living for the past 10 days now. So do you tell others most of the info I tell or is it that thing where you cry if you bring me up? You can let people read my letters if you don’t want to talk. I miss going out with you too! Going out to eat, to the movies-I really miss our vacations together-we would draw so close. Well I hear you decided that you are going camping after all. I hope it is a relaxing time for you. The most important thing to me is that you do the things you want to do, that will give you more peace and happiness. All the trickery I’ve informed you of through the years was possibly God allowing me to be secure in the fact that you are safe cause not naïve. I feel you are well prepared for anything and from all I’ve instilled in you I don’t have any worries. This is all obvious to you but in here it’s talked about a lot. There’s trust issues the other inmates who have a girl worry about-hundreds. I have no worries at all-you’re in God’s hands! That’s it…bottom line you have God and many of these others don’t. I like what you said on your last letter, “you’re too special, we’re too special”. You know I know you super well. You are the perfect girl a guy locked up could ask for J It’s like you said, I made one mistake 6 years ago-it just happened to be one with huge repercussions. Anyway blahblah I really hope I never come across just a bunch of hot air with all these words but words are all I have right now. Don’t hesitate to be 100% honest with me about your feelings or what ever cause we’re not just lovers but bestfriends that can confide and vent and cry out for help like you did on your letter. So anyway it’ll be cool talking to you on the phone but hard to talk so fast and short (like 3 minutes a week). Trust me, this time in SHU will be gone before you know it and we’ll be talking over 2 hours a month again and before you know it I’ll be back in your loving arms again and we’ll be relaxing together out in our backyard sippin lemonade and soaking rays. Okay well at least dining on Chinese out there and things will be better than they could have ever been without going through this time of aching for each other and increasing our idea of value in each other. Mi amo mucho!

Click Me For Free Money

Click Me For A New Job Today

Click Me To Own A Website

Click Me For Paid Social Networking

Day 40

Day 40

It’s weird sleeping in here cause no matter what you dream about you always wake up to the nightmare that is your reality; I’m a convict, on a cot, in a cell. About once a day I get this overwhelming feeling that I’m trapped. The cloister phobics loose it first in here. I use to be cloister phobic until I convince myself that it is just all in the mind. I am literally trapped in this tiny space all day with no fresh air. So bye bye to quiet. They made my celly and I move today to downstairs where all the rest of the people are. It’s a full house on this floor. Besides all the noise the other thing that sucks is we are in pitch dark at 10pm-it’s not that horrible but I must abruptly stop writing or reading and go directly to sleep. It’s loud down here-now I see why the CO’s in SHU treat us like animals-the sounds. So I got your letter last night. I hear you loosing it a bit. I pray now that the pieces you loose God finds, fixes up and gives them back to you. We will both be alright because of his mercy for his kids. Anyway there was finally some progress in my investigation. I got interviewed and it went normal. I pretty much told him exactly what I told you. The main thing is I don’t feel unsafe going back out there in general population. So well I still could be in the SHU for up to 90 days but I really doubt I’ll be in here for more than 3 or 4 weeks and that’s only because of how slow things go with the BOP (Bureau of Prison). I at least don’t feel forgotten in here anymore. So I go back to my hole where I live on the top cot and wonder if after being in here so long that I’ll have to readjust to the general population. I know I’ll have a fresh start and new perspective. No more having such a kind heart toward the latin population cause in here they’re bad minus the Pisa crew that I became friends with. Bunky farts every 2 minutes ultra rotten cheese cause he only poops once a week. Explains to me how he wasn’t sleeping every time I don’t flush pee from the extremely loud toilet but he was snoring violently. I finally says “oh, you were just resting your eyes and making horn noises with your nose?” . He continually claims he doesn’t snore when actually he wakes me up every day with it. Yes I am learning tons of patience in here. Sorry to hear that Bob, Bike and the grands were so self center on our anniversary when you needed them the most. You must have had no idea why I wasn’t able to call you that day. I am in love with you and will not abandon you like this again. Anyway another reason his gas reeks is because he saves food from meals, unrefrigerated for 12 to 14 hours. When I first got in a cell with him I told him I was sick and he said what most dudes say to me “that’s okay I don’t get sick”. He’s been sick the last 8 days-people are weird man. Anyway I didn’t go out for my one hour cage dwell today cause I’m still trying to avoid sweating at all costs this week due to no shower due to no shower shoes. Yesterday I got so bored I almost freaked and celly gave me a Maxim magazine to read. At first I refused and asked if there was actually good reading material-he says he only gets it for the reading. Well it IS good reading and always just one of those unattractive Pamela Anderson types for just a few pages in the middle so whatever-I thought I’d tell you. If it upsets you check one out one time at the stores-it’s basically just the cover and those few pages that’s annoying. If anyone sends me a mag or paperback then I will have reading material otherwise I’m just laying here staring at the ceiling while celly and everyone else in here is either reading or listening to their headphones which I also don’t have (just the jimmy rigged speaker). Anyway so while celly was out I washed my socks and undies for these 4 days in the low flow sink that we had to jam a straw in. This is tough though-you know how much I hate dealing with gross things. Anyway on a brighter side that was a funny note from Alex dancing the night away. So I read your letter again and you got me trippin boo. God wants you to have times of boredom and loneliness. It is this time to have a deep, intimate relationship with him. Remember how us being all alone together in Washington made us grow more close than if we had people near? You have this time to draw closer and have that personal intimacy that being lonely really brings. That time I spent in Reno all alone was the closest I ever was to God. Well you know all this but your letter cried out to me and I would be heartless to not offer some helpful words. The first time I read your letter I just assumed you were either venting or informing me of the feelings you had inside. I was just gonna hear it that way but this is a different form of communication then when I was there and you just wanted me to listen and hush. Now you have no way of knowing that I was hearing you like “I hear you babygirl” unless I write something about it so I hope you take it as I really hear you and care. I wish I could be out there to comfort you about me being in here. God can give you more comfort than I ever could and Paul McCartney never stops farting the smell of butt as he wears only his tighty-whiteys all the time. Since we are locked in an air tight closet 23 hours a day together and it’s every 2 minutes I can taste it and it has given me a sinus infection. Oh he drinks old milk that has been out since yesterday (stopped keeping them in the toilet). I am trapped up here near the ceiling and the smell never leaves-Help Me Lord God Help! I have stopped myself many times from saying something because what’s he gonna do hold them in and hurt his stomach. I treat others how I want treated and that would suck to have to hold my gas. So I keep silent and deal and get headaches from the hardcore aroma. They aren’t standard farts-they smell like butt. Sorry to write so much about it but it is impossible to ignore. It invades my being. Keeps them rotating about every 2 minutes since last night. Have I mentioned that you gotta yell super loud through the doors to a CO who just happens to walk by to get things like TP, forms, info etc. 9 times out of 10 you gotta ask again cause they forget in a matter of minutes, They shake their head yes but never return. So yep he forgot. I told my bunky that it’d be funny to start pounding on the door and freaking out about getting that form. Just to make a huge production so that they don’t forget. Well I just became a little more insecure. Somehow this gay guy who goes by J-Lo and who use to work in the kitchen with me ended up being put in the SHU and somehow got a job as the SHU orderly which means he mops outside our cells in the hallway. Problem is these cells have a grilled window about the size of 3 of my heads stacked up but skinnier. There is a large fluorescent light in the cells so from the hall you can see everything inside the cell. Well just walking by the CO’s or whoever are able to see our penis’s urinating and our butts being wiped. Inmates can see each other doing this from across the hall through windows. So now we have a homo lurking around the hall in the name of cleaning. The rest of the kitchen workers have got to be thinking it’s connected cause there is only about 20-30 people in the hole so the odds that we would come in here right around the same time has got to be rare. There gonna give me hell at work about this. I am Job from the bible-especially when I had that rash all over and was itching it with a major headache and fever in the hole in prison with farty. Oh just great, now J-Lo is washing our window and made eye contact w/ my nutsack. Back in the kitchen the white shotcaller guy who put me in here would come up to me at work and say that J-Lo was checking me out which he IS a starer. Well the day before I came in here he came and told me that he told J-Lo to stop staring at me. Now this extremely overweight gay Native American is in here washing my window wtf is up with that-totally violated-not safe using the toilet anymore-yeah so this is death row. This is beyond maximum security. I have this visualization of the kind of man I want to be when I get back into the world. It’s like Charles Ingles meets Brett Meador…on LSD of course J. I should be out in GP in no time. Don’t think me trying to get out of J unit wasn’t necessary-it really was-I haven’t written all things-not any bodily harm on me but I’ll tell you later. You’ll be proud of my wisdom with more then one unmentionable. Was still unnecessary to come to the SHU though. 

Click Me For Free Money

Click Me For A Real Job

Click Me To Own A Website

Click Me For Paid Social Networking

myLot User Profile