DAY 58

Day 58

Did I ever mention that most of the white guys around the island are either bikers or Godless heathens (many Hell's Angels) and most of the other races are gang bangers. Warner almost had me convinced that there are many white collar guys here. This is hardly anyone's first stop of incarceration. In fact I think that's why there are so many hard people here cause the majority of them are coming from another prison. Out of all the new people I've heard talk, all of them had been to another prison before coming here. Remember back in the day when we use to fight and I would say that I had to force myself to fight back as not to be emasculated? There is only one reason I argue and that is to defend myself. I feel the need to defend myself for only two reason-to not feel talked down to and to try to stop the other person from having an attitude.The reason I am dissecting this right now is to figure out why I continue to indure without arguing back with this guy and some others here on the island. Day after day, week after week, not an hour has gone by where someone wasn't being rude or talking down to me even worse than you used to. So why don't I feel the need to defend myself or the need to teach them a lesson? I don't ever feel fear and am confident I can beat them up verbally and physically. I know why- it's because I don't care enough about them to feel talked down to or emasculated. What they say has no meaning to me. I also don't care enough at that moment to verbally put them in their place or humble their bad self. The main thing I think when they really snap without warrant is by me not stopping them or letting them know that it is not okay to speak to someone like this they will continue this attitude manifestation on others and it will ruin all their relationships and that is more hard-core than me putting them in their place. That is what I think and know will happen so I hold back and let them rip. Isn't that cruel? Now that's rude -waiting them out so that it destroys their social interactions long-term. See this guy here is divorced and tells me of problem after problem he has had with family, friends, bosses, and coworkers as well as other inmates which is what brought him to the hole for 77 days now. I care about you too much and I know you don't display an attitude towards others but when you used to with me I tried to stop it because it made me like you less and that is not good for our relationship -me liking you less. See there is millions of relationships where the chick yells, nags or just gives her man attitude and instead of the man getting upset that his precious and feminine princess is attacking him like a man with testosterone he lets her continue day after day until he goes and finds another chic or leaves her. My new method will be to love you and treat you as Christ would want me to (this is easy because I adore you) and when things pop up that you don't like (which chances are through time they will) I will listen to you, hear you and go right back to treating you with as much love as Christ had for the church. I will not argue with you. If it is something real important that you really must know it will be told to you in a casual and respectful way another time when we are happy and relaxed. No more angry communication. We can get any point across during calm and happy times. Most of our fights were about either unimportant things that never came back around or a very important topic (just a few) that would continually resurface. Those latter disputes I mentioned are things that require action rather than argument. Disagreements are inevitable but I have vowed to keep you happy so I will hear you and wait a day or two, let it sink in, dwell on where you're coming from, and if needed, get back to you. See that there is one of the great advantages of learning patients. One could never consistently do that unless they went through some serious endurance situations that built unhumanlike patients in them. See we we did lack patients. Do you think if we had a kid a few years ago that we would have enough patience to refrain from arguing with them in ear distance? I can see now that I wouldn't have before all this and we are not even done yet. We're still at the beginning stages of this rebirth. God is giving us something more valuable than he has given anyone we know-virtues that will stick and last forever. Only something that is this hard-core can do long-term reversal in a human. In a Christians life God is to be in control-that's why we surrender our lives to him and ask him to be our master and ruler. Freewill may have put me in here but God is in control and can manipulate any situation in a Christians life if they do what he wants and surrender that situation fully to him and sit back and reap the benefits despite the harshness. He likes us so much! And I like you so much because I don't just think but know 100% for sure that God made us for each other. We were designed to be together. All our childhood and teen years he was putting in each of us what we needed. The funny thing is despite any times I was upset and said otherwise I have always felt like God put us together. He's told my heart over and over even back when we were just engaged. My mouth has had trouble expressing all this until today but like you recently said I seem to communicate better through writing. I super love you!

Day 57

Day 57

I haven’t left this cell for three days and one more left to go. That is so sad about the baby hitting her head and yelping in fear  at Joe. I hate to say this but it would be wise for you not to leave her there anymore cause if he would do that with you there what does he do when you’re not there and with your mom’s feelings about dogs/her. I just hope you would choose to let her be safe and comfortable sleeping at home rather than leaving her somewhere to get traumatized. Is that why Tito was such a jerk-out of fear from being traumatized? I’m not upset at Joe-some dog is flipping him attitude in his own home and he might have been mad at her being so loud when Apa was sleeping. Sorry to hear about your mom’s response. If her, I and Cecilia didn’t have a few lame things like that you wouldn’t have such a keen picture of how pure and delightful the Lord is-so superior to us sinful creatures. I can’t wait to come back and care for you and comfort you when things like that happen my poor lilagirl. Oh yeah and I wouldn’t trust that maybe if she was in the front yard in Gridley and annoying Joe enough that he might let her escape or anyone else by accident for that matter. Imagine coming back and having to look for her and she’s road kill or someone dognaps here and she has a lame life. We can’t risk that. It is best just leave her at home sad but safe. That cactus and egg food was good huh? Anyway one thing strange I have noticed from my eyes being limited to only getting to see a few feet away in this cell but mainly a few inches (from reading so much) is I can often see those black spots on my eyeballs that are supposedly scars. When I’m not thinking about it I mistake them for bugs walking around. Did you know we have no pillows here?  There is a slight lump in the mattress for head but it’s ergonomically uncomfortable. Today I noticed my butt cheeks are chapped- it is like bedsores from being on this bed all day every day. This is a funny time huh? When you get back from camping take notice of how good it feels to be back in your own home then magnify that by a thousand-that’s how I’m going to feel when I get out of here. It’s funny cause people in here let out wails and moans that you can just hear their agony of boredom and madness. I often thrive on all the strength and endurance I am gaining in the SHU. I feel myself gaining strength of mind and soul in the hole and it sometimes feels good. Don’t cry for me Argentina-just pour your emotional energies into making sure you are mentally, emotionally and physically healthy for your spirits sake-for the temple that Christ dwells within. So I tried to get the phone today but couldn’t before5:30pm. Had to before 5:30 cause you will be heading to church and we can’t use the phone after 8:30. I should just call on Saturdays since you are free. Hey can you send me a little calendar in with a letter? You know like the little ones that fit in an envelope. Oh and I was thinking how I don’t ever need to send to the PO Box cause it’s not my outgoing letters that are seen it’s the envelope you send to me that some folks see. Notice how I haven’t continued bringing up memories from my childhood. Seems once the 80’s came around life started really sucking and I am not at a real pleasant time this year to be digging up that era. I always assumed that once I had kids all my memories would resurrect and I would tell my kids the good ones and just remember the bad as not to bad mouth. Since I’ve been in here I’ve reached the mindset that you have; I don’t care if we don’t have kids. God knows what’s best if he wants us to we will. Fact: men finish 95% of the time and women 65%-you are one lucky dame (just read this from medical research).

Day 56

Day 56

So I got your letter today from the 16^th – 18^th and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I want you to tell me if I should start writing bigger cause it’s only 80 cents for like 50 pages. So let me know if it’s worth it to you. In the meantime I will practice writing bigger and still more impact like this-it will still take up a little more room cause the letters are wider. I just finished the book “Holes” which was good and am halfway through “Soon”. When we moved into this cell a couple days ago someone left some books- “Think and Grow Rich” and a Spanish translation book so I started both of those. I’m trying to at least learn some Spanish while in here huh? So far I memorized all the question words-who, when and all that and right now I’m memorizing things in a room-just common things like: chair, silla, clock, reloj and a few others-just got it two days ago so… yeah this dude still breathes super loud and plays with the spit in his mouth hours. They forgot to let us go out again yesterday. What’s cool is that I get to call you tonight but only for a couple minutes then wait for July. Are you excited about camping in a couple of weeks? Don’t forget to write a bunch while you’re there. So I am really going to try to lighten up on the harshness of this place cause I really enjoyed when you responded to my letter and don’t want you to feel that feeling when you face my reality. It’s not too difficult for me to deal with cause I’m tougher than leather. It is however, difficult for me to think about you worrying. I will attempt to  stay conscious of keeping me expressions of the bad stuff to a minimum. It sounds like you want me to send letters to the house and not to the PO Box. It’s not super important on my end right now while in SHU so I’ll go back to that til I’m out. Anyways they give us a fresh pair of underwear when we shower but I couldn’t shower that week cause no shower shoes but I was able to buy more so never have to do that again. I do have to wear the same jumpsuit everyday though and it’s starting to reek. I bet you found another language flaw. It probably isn’t a “pair” of underwear like some folks say. Well tried to call you a few times but you’re probably still at work so I’ll call on Saturday. I should call Sundays since you don’t work and I got to get the phone when I can. I can’t really bother a guard twice on their shift.

Happy Birthday To My Niece Raina!!!!

Day 55

Day 55

Member when we use to put the baby in the kitchen on Esplanade with that cardboard blocking. She was just a little baby then and use to wake me up crying everyday. I would go get here and bring her back to the bed and she would curl up and go right to sleep. Did we traumatize her and create emotional problems or did it train her to be more independent and prepare and normalize being alone for her. Puppies go potty a lot and often are raised on a chain outside all day. I think we did okay she’s super smart. The only thing about her is that funky attitude towards guys and other doggies. So what do you think about my future in the computer field? It’s not doomed right?  Anyway I have been praying for Joe-hope he got good news from the specialist. I pray for your stress related anxiety too! You can eat lots of cereal and yogurt and quesadillas can’t you? Cereal you can eat for two meals if needed. You need to keep nutrients flowing through you. You can never expect to have enough energy or stress relief if you don’t eat properly. When I was younger I wasn’t hungry a few times a week but I forced some food in me cause I would think “I’m not hungry but my body might be”. It is highly important to keep your body healthy with the carbs, protein, good fats, vitamins and minerals coming only from food. I also pray for your safety and your emotions every day. Take care of you- I need you around for many years to come at least maybe you can add a year to your life to make up for this time I don’t have you J. Anyway if you come across a C++  paperback let me know cause C plus plus certification can get me many different computer jobs and I have lots of time to read now. The holmes here just gave me a fine example of how he communicates more often than not: while listening to Tom Lykus the subject is “tell me what you learn from this show”. So all the callers are calling in right and left all thanking Tom for this and that. At the end Tom says “this has been a terrific show” I says “well yeah everyone has been thanking you” the holmes here, using his usual hateful pagan voice goes “did you not hear the subject of the show” I says “yeah ‘tell me what you learn from this show’” hateful voice again “yeah, so they are thanking them for what they learned”. So you see how I was just talking casually, not even debating anything, just giving the reason why the host said it was a terrific show? This is what I deal w/ all day if I dare talk. He talks about 20 minutes a day and maybe too and keep in mind we are just sitting here in this tiny cell all day and night. Like this example, I am usually not even talking to him when I do talk. Anyway I can’t believe you were able to clean the Tercel in the summer heat. Probably did it in the a.m. or something huh? I know you’re saying it just had to be done. Paul McCartney is schooling me on paganism right now and this pen keeps going out on me as usual. Yeah I do look a bit ugly now. I only lost that 10 pounds but might have gained it back with no activity in the hole here. I do have a beard which is ugly and my hair was shaved on like #1 like a week ago but you know what I haven’t seen my face in 24 days which is a record for me. I bet I have set over 100 personal records within the hole. When I was a kid and Three’s Company was my first and only favorite show childhood through teen years I idolized Jack. For some reason I always put myself in his place so strongly that I always unconsciously thought I WAS Jack Tripper. I know I unconsciously thought it cause it came to my conscious later in life. I just find it funny that I only had one favorite TV show til I was like 20 something-til I met you and you are in love with that kind of character. See God knew that I would absorb the characteristics in me and you would love me. That was cute that you kept saying “I love me some Whittmier”-funny that Alyssa thought you were a freak for that. See I like when you’re funny. It’s that playful thing that I mentioned that I like. Also when you told the shuttle driver amen. See that’s why I don’t like Angelina Jolie cause she’s so serious-no girly giggling, playful femininity. If a guy would say it it’s girly. I will be walking out of here funnier than ever cause that’s what I do to break free my mind from hardships. When I get out I’ll also shave my face and grow my hair long for you. You go right ahead and continue to just think that I’m just away and not here cause your well being and mental health may need that for it’s won safety. I love you my wife, soulmate and bestfriend. Have a good time for me and keep safe and healthy! Love Jeff Tripper

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Day 54

Day 54

Did you know my celly starts passing gas the second he wakes up, also he never peed without passing gas several times. I am just as upset that I can’t stop complaining to you about him than I am with his continual rotation of disgusting sounds. It’s hard to feel love for him but if I can continue to then I can build up my capacity for love for everyone and it especially will strengthen my love for the already lovable. I think that’s why Christ encourages to love your enemy cause that friction causes increase in our capacity to love. Y’ know I was thinking if someone besides you or Jen is determined to send me literature or a subscription I have always really loved “ Readers Digest “ and I think the people who put it out Christians or something. I use to read it everyday when I worked in Reno and it always had Christian or family stuff. So today we rotated cells (every 3 weeks). They all look the same though so it doesn’t matter. Anyway about the letters-don’t get me wrong I love when you get mushy. It doesn’t make me feel dorky. Makes me feel manly, so it’s the opposite as when these others get mushy or sentimental on theirs. It’s kinda weird though that you never respond to any of what I write-not even questions. I mean I don’t read your letters over and over. I read them once then when I write you I read through it and respond at the same time to each thing I want to . It’s almost a trick for being able to easily write a letter. Actually no one really responds to anything I say and it trips me. I aint said nothing yet cause it doesn’t upset me---at least they’re writing.

Day 52

Day 52

Well 3 week in here and almost two months on the island. How about this second month?  Hasn’t it seemed to go by quicker than the first? I mean wasn’t that so recently that you kept saying “and it’s only been one month”. Notice how my writing has slowed down? Yesterday and today is almost over and I barely started writing. So since the selection is so shabby on the book cart I am reading that book Soon and another one called Holes. Remember the movie? It is a great story-though for a younger crowd-but hey- can’t be a chooser in here. Anyway my headaches are still going away after I burp. Everytime I get those sudden severe headaches like the one before the aneurysm rupture, then I burp and within minutes it’s gone. Could it have been gas that caused my brain aneurysm? hmmm

Day 51

Day 51

I am officially as bored as possible. I am having a hard time following the KJV- I always stopped reading something when there’s too many words I don’t understand. Thou goest wentworth to thine bethelest preordination and such. My celly wants to know what the age difference has to be for it to be statutory-he says it’s definitely nine months-but he matter of facts a lot. Time is slowing down in this hole. My original guards of adjustment are going down and I’m starting to pay attention to the detail of time. I started working on my bible memorizing again but I’m only using the KJV to get me started on the line by memory- I don’t want to memorize KJV cause I want to be able to help the basic person on the street who wouldn’t know half those words. Just know all that-the nonstop body functions, the not letting me sleep on purpose and w/ snoring both-these things never ever cease-just stopping writing it. So anyway don’t forget you might want to check out those two how to fix, repair and build books-They give easy step by step instructions including what materials you need. You may find new sink installation. Anyway I’m real anxious for my book. I’m sure it’s hard to fathom just sitting on a bunk all day with nothing but writing paper and a bible version that’s hard to understand. Only sleeping about 6 hours a day due to you know. Writing doesn’t always come easy to me-actually it did til I got in here and haven’t much happening thus no experiences to express or ideas stemming from them. Just that which comes out of my under stimulated brain which has numbed and quieted itself down as a defense mechanism for extreme boredom and lack of control. I’m actually reading a novel I found on cart today-it’s by author Jerry Jenkins-who co-wrote “Left Behind”.  I’ve actually read 55 pages since I got it two hours ago. You should read it-it’s pretty good so fsr-it’s called “Soon”. It appears to be book one of a series.

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