DAY 58

Day 58

Did I ever mention that most of the white guys around the island are either bikers or Godless heathens (many Hell's Angels) and most of the other races are gang bangers. Warner almost had me convinced that there are many white collar guys here. This is hardly anyone's first stop of incarceration. In fact I think that's why there are so many hard people here cause the majority of them are coming from another prison. Out of all the new people I've heard talk, all of them had been to another prison before coming here. Remember back in the day when we use to fight and I would say that I had to force myself to fight back as not to be emasculated? There is only one reason I argue and that is to defend myself. I feel the need to defend myself for only two reason-to not feel talked down to and to try to stop the other person from having an attitude.The reason I am dissecting this right now is to figure out why I continue to indure without arguing back with this guy and some others here on the island. Day after day, week after week, not an hour has gone by where someone wasn't being rude or talking down to me even worse than you used to. So why don't I feel the need to defend myself or the need to teach them a lesson? I don't ever feel fear and am confident I can beat them up verbally and physically. I know why- it's because I don't care enough about them to feel talked down to or emasculated. What they say has no meaning to me. I also don't care enough at that moment to verbally put them in their place or humble their bad self. The main thing I think when they really snap without warrant is by me not stopping them or letting them know that it is not okay to speak to someone like this they will continue this attitude manifestation on others and it will ruin all their relationships and that is more hard-core than me putting them in their place. That is what I think and know will happen so I hold back and let them rip. Isn't that cruel? Now that's rude -waiting them out so that it destroys their social interactions long-term. See this guy here is divorced and tells me of problem after problem he has had with family, friends, bosses, and coworkers as well as other inmates which is what brought him to the hole for 77 days now. I care about you too much and I know you don't display an attitude towards others but when you used to with me I tried to stop it because it made me like you less and that is not good for our relationship -me liking you less. See there is millions of relationships where the chick yells, nags or just gives her man attitude and instead of the man getting upset that his precious and feminine princess is attacking him like a man with testosterone he lets her continue day after day until he goes and finds another chic or leaves her. My new method will be to love you and treat you as Christ would want me to (this is easy because I adore you) and when things pop up that you don't like (which chances are through time they will) I will listen to you, hear you and go right back to treating you with as much love as Christ had for the church. I will not argue with you. If it is something real important that you really must know it will be told to you in a casual and respectful way another time when we are happy and relaxed. No more angry communication. We can get any point across during calm and happy times. Most of our fights were about either unimportant things that never came back around or a very important topic (just a few) that would continually resurface. Those latter disputes I mentioned are things that require action rather than argument. Disagreements are inevitable but I have vowed to keep you happy so I will hear you and wait a day or two, let it sink in, dwell on where you're coming from, and if needed, get back to you. See that there is one of the great advantages of learning patients. One could never consistently do that unless they went through some serious endurance situations that built unhumanlike patients in them. See we we did lack patients. Do you think if we had a kid a few years ago that we would have enough patience to refrain from arguing with them in ear distance? I can see now that I wouldn't have before all this and we are not even done yet. We're still at the beginning stages of this rebirth. God is giving us something more valuable than he has given anyone we know-virtues that will stick and last forever. Only something that is this hard-core can do long-term reversal in a human. In a Christians life God is to be in control-that's why we surrender our lives to him and ask him to be our master and ruler. Freewill may have put me in here but God is in control and can manipulate any situation in a Christians life if they do what he wants and surrender that situation fully to him and sit back and reap the benefits despite the harshness. He likes us so much! And I like you so much because I don't just think but know 100% for sure that God made us for each other. We were designed to be together. All our childhood and teen years he was putting in each of us what we needed. The funny thing is despite any times I was upset and said otherwise I have always felt like God put us together. He's told my heart over and over even back when we were just engaged. My mouth has had trouble expressing all this until today but like you recently said I seem to communicate better through writing. I super love you!

Day 57

Day 57

I haven’t left this cell for three days and one more left to go. That is so sad about the baby hitting her head and yelping in fear  at Joe. I hate to say this but it would be wise for you not to leave her there anymore cause if he would do that with you there what does he do when you’re not there and with your mom’s feelings about dogs/her. I just hope you would choose to let her be safe and comfortable sleeping at home rather than leaving her somewhere to get traumatized. Is that why Tito was such a jerk-out of fear from being traumatized? I’m not upset at Joe-some dog is flipping him attitude in his own home and he might have been mad at her being so loud when Apa was sleeping. Sorry to hear about your mom’s response. If her, I and Cecilia didn’t have a few lame things like that you wouldn’t have such a keen picture of how pure and delightful the Lord is-so superior to us sinful creatures. I can’t wait to come back and care for you and comfort you when things like that happen my poor lilagirl. Oh yeah and I wouldn’t trust that maybe if she was in the front yard in Gridley and annoying Joe enough that he might let her escape or anyone else by accident for that matter. Imagine coming back and having to look for her and she’s road kill or someone dognaps here and she has a lame life. We can’t risk that. It is best just leave her at home sad but safe. That cactus and egg food was good huh? Anyway one thing strange I have noticed from my eyes being limited to only getting to see a few feet away in this cell but mainly a few inches (from reading so much) is I can often see those black spots on my eyeballs that are supposedly scars. When I’m not thinking about it I mistake them for bugs walking around. Did you know we have no pillows here?  There is a slight lump in the mattress for head but it’s ergonomically uncomfortable. Today I noticed my butt cheeks are chapped- it is like bedsores from being on this bed all day every day. This is a funny time huh? When you get back from camping take notice of how good it feels to be back in your own home then magnify that by a thousand-that’s how I’m going to feel when I get out of here. It’s funny cause people in here let out wails and moans that you can just hear their agony of boredom and madness. I often thrive on all the strength and endurance I am gaining in the SHU. I feel myself gaining strength of mind and soul in the hole and it sometimes feels good. Don’t cry for me Argentina-just pour your emotional energies into making sure you are mentally, emotionally and physically healthy for your spirits sake-for the temple that Christ dwells within. So I tried to get the phone today but couldn’t before5:30pm. Had to before 5:30 cause you will be heading to church and we can’t use the phone after 8:30. I should just call on Saturdays since you are free. Hey can you send me a little calendar in with a letter? You know like the little ones that fit in an envelope. Oh and I was thinking how I don’t ever need to send to the PO Box cause it’s not my outgoing letters that are seen it’s the envelope you send to me that some folks see. Notice how I haven’t continued bringing up memories from my childhood. Seems once the 80’s came around life started really sucking and I am not at a real pleasant time this year to be digging up that era. I always assumed that once I had kids all my memories would resurrect and I would tell my kids the good ones and just remember the bad as not to bad mouth. Since I’ve been in here I’ve reached the mindset that you have; I don’t care if we don’t have kids. God knows what’s best if he wants us to we will. Fact: men finish 95% of the time and women 65%-you are one lucky dame (just read this from medical research).

Day 56

Day 56

So I got your letter today from the 16^th – 18^th and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I want you to tell me if I should start writing bigger cause it’s only 80 cents for like 50 pages. So let me know if it’s worth it to you. In the meantime I will practice writing bigger and still more impact like this-it will still take up a little more room cause the letters are wider. I just finished the book “Holes” which was good and am halfway through “Soon”. When we moved into this cell a couple days ago someone left some books- “Think and Grow Rich” and a Spanish translation book so I started both of those. I’m trying to at least learn some Spanish while in here huh? So far I memorized all the question words-who, when and all that and right now I’m memorizing things in a room-just common things like: chair, silla, clock, reloj and a few others-just got it two days ago so… yeah this dude still breathes super loud and plays with the spit in his mouth hours. They forgot to let us go out again yesterday. What’s cool is that I get to call you tonight but only for a couple minutes then wait for July. Are you excited about camping in a couple of weeks? Don’t forget to write a bunch while you’re there. So I am really going to try to lighten up on the harshness of this place cause I really enjoyed when you responded to my letter and don’t want you to feel that feeling when you face my reality. It’s not too difficult for me to deal with cause I’m tougher than leather. It is however, difficult for me to think about you worrying. I will attempt to  stay conscious of keeping me expressions of the bad stuff to a minimum. It sounds like you want me to send letters to the house and not to the PO Box. It’s not super important on my end right now while in SHU so I’ll go back to that til I’m out. Anyways they give us a fresh pair of underwear when we shower but I couldn’t shower that week cause no shower shoes but I was able to buy more so never have to do that again. I do have to wear the same jumpsuit everyday though and it’s starting to reek. I bet you found another language flaw. It probably isn’t a “pair” of underwear like some folks say. Well tried to call you a few times but you’re probably still at work so I’ll call on Saturday. I should call Sundays since you don’t work and I got to get the phone when I can. I can’t really bother a guard twice on their shift.

Happy Birthday To My Niece Raina!!!!

Day 55

Day 55

Member when we use to put the baby in the kitchen on Esplanade with that cardboard blocking. She was just a little baby then and use to wake me up crying everyday. I would go get here and bring her back to the bed and she would curl up and go right to sleep. Did we traumatize her and create emotional problems or did it train her to be more independent and prepare and normalize being alone for her. Puppies go potty a lot and often are raised on a chain outside all day. I think we did okay she’s super smart. The only thing about her is that funky attitude towards guys and other doggies. So what do you think about my future in the computer field? It’s not doomed right?  Anyway I have been praying for Joe-hope he got good news from the specialist. I pray for your stress related anxiety too! You can eat lots of cereal and yogurt and quesadillas can’t you? Cereal you can eat for two meals if needed. You need to keep nutrients flowing through you. You can never expect to have enough energy or stress relief if you don’t eat properly. When I was younger I wasn’t hungry a few times a week but I forced some food in me cause I would think “I’m not hungry but my body might be”. It is highly important to keep your body healthy with the carbs, protein, good fats, vitamins and minerals coming only from food. I also pray for your safety and your emotions every day. Take care of you- I need you around for many years to come at least maybe you can add a year to your life to make up for this time I don’t have you J. Anyway if you come across a C++  paperback let me know cause C plus plus certification can get me many different computer jobs and I have lots of time to read now. The holmes here just gave me a fine example of how he communicates more often than not: while listening to Tom Lykus the subject is “tell me what you learn from this show”. So all the callers are calling in right and left all thanking Tom for this and that. At the end Tom says “this has been a terrific show” I says “well yeah everyone has been thanking you” the holmes here, using his usual hateful pagan voice goes “did you not hear the subject of the show” I says “yeah ‘tell me what you learn from this show’” hateful voice again “yeah, so they are thanking them for what they learned”. So you see how I was just talking casually, not even debating anything, just giving the reason why the host said it was a terrific show? This is what I deal w/ all day if I dare talk. He talks about 20 minutes a day and maybe too and keep in mind we are just sitting here in this tiny cell all day and night. Like this example, I am usually not even talking to him when I do talk. Anyway I can’t believe you were able to clean the Tercel in the summer heat. Probably did it in the a.m. or something huh? I know you’re saying it just had to be done. Paul McCartney is schooling me on paganism right now and this pen keeps going out on me as usual. Yeah I do look a bit ugly now. I only lost that 10 pounds but might have gained it back with no activity in the hole here. I do have a beard which is ugly and my hair was shaved on like #1 like a week ago but you know what I haven’t seen my face in 24 days which is a record for me. I bet I have set over 100 personal records within the hole. When I was a kid and Three’s Company was my first and only favorite show childhood through teen years I idolized Jack. For some reason I always put myself in his place so strongly that I always unconsciously thought I WAS Jack Tripper. I know I unconsciously thought it cause it came to my conscious later in life. I just find it funny that I only had one favorite TV show til I was like 20 something-til I met you and you are in love with that kind of character. See God knew that I would absorb the characteristics in me and you would love me. That was cute that you kept saying “I love me some Whittmier”-funny that Alyssa thought you were a freak for that. See I like when you’re funny. It’s that playful thing that I mentioned that I like. Also when you told the shuttle driver amen. See that’s why I don’t like Angelina Jolie cause she’s so serious-no girly giggling, playful femininity. If a guy would say it it’s girly. I will be walking out of here funnier than ever cause that’s what I do to break free my mind from hardships. When I get out I’ll also shave my face and grow my hair long for you. You go right ahead and continue to just think that I’m just away and not here cause your well being and mental health may need that for it’s won safety. I love you my wife, soulmate and bestfriend. Have a good time for me and keep safe and healthy! Love Jeff Tripper

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Day 54

Day 54

Did you know my celly starts passing gas the second he wakes up, also he never peed without passing gas several times. I am just as upset that I can’t stop complaining to you about him than I am with his continual rotation of disgusting sounds. It’s hard to feel love for him but if I can continue to then I can build up my capacity for love for everyone and it especially will strengthen my love for the already lovable. I think that’s why Christ encourages to love your enemy cause that friction causes increase in our capacity to love. Y’ know I was thinking if someone besides you or Jen is determined to send me literature or a subscription I have always really loved “ Readers Digest “ and I think the people who put it out Christians or something. I use to read it everyday when I worked in Reno and it always had Christian or family stuff. So today we rotated cells (every 3 weeks). They all look the same though so it doesn’t matter. Anyway about the letters-don’t get me wrong I love when you get mushy. It doesn’t make me feel dorky. Makes me feel manly, so it’s the opposite as when these others get mushy or sentimental on theirs. It’s kinda weird though that you never respond to any of what I write-not even questions. I mean I don’t read your letters over and over. I read them once then when I write you I read through it and respond at the same time to each thing I want to . It’s almost a trick for being able to easily write a letter. Actually no one really responds to anything I say and it trips me. I aint said nothing yet cause it doesn’t upset me---at least they’re writing.

Day 52

Day 52

Well 3 week in here and almost two months on the island. How about this second month?  Hasn’t it seemed to go by quicker than the first? I mean wasn’t that so recently that you kept saying “and it’s only been one month”. Notice how my writing has slowed down? Yesterday and today is almost over and I barely started writing. So since the selection is so shabby on the book cart I am reading that book Soon and another one called Holes. Remember the movie? It is a great story-though for a younger crowd-but hey- can’t be a chooser in here. Anyway my headaches are still going away after I burp. Everytime I get those sudden severe headaches like the one before the aneurysm rupture, then I burp and within minutes it’s gone. Could it have been gas that caused my brain aneurysm? hmmm

Day 51

Day 51

I am officially as bored as possible. I am having a hard time following the KJV- I always stopped reading something when there’s too many words I don’t understand. Thou goest wentworth to thine bethelest preordination and such. My celly wants to know what the age difference has to be for it to be statutory-he says it’s definitely nine months-but he matter of facts a lot. Time is slowing down in this hole. My original guards of adjustment are going down and I’m starting to pay attention to the detail of time. I started working on my bible memorizing again but I’m only using the KJV to get me started on the line by memory- I don’t want to memorize KJV cause I want to be able to help the basic person on the street who wouldn’t know half those words. Just know all that-the nonstop body functions, the not letting me sleep on purpose and w/ snoring both-these things never ever cease-just stopping writing it. So anyway don’t forget you might want to check out those two how to fix, repair and build books-They give easy step by step instructions including what materials you need. You may find new sink installation. Anyway I’m real anxious for my book. I’m sure it’s hard to fathom just sitting on a bunk all day with nothing but writing paper and a bible version that’s hard to understand. Only sleeping about 6 hours a day due to you know. Writing doesn’t always come easy to me-actually it did til I got in here and haven’t much happening thus no experiences to express or ideas stemming from them. Just that which comes out of my under stimulated brain which has numbed and quieted itself down as a defense mechanism for extreme boredom and lack of control. I’m actually reading a novel I found on cart today-it’s by author Jerry Jenkins-who co-wrote “Left Behind”.  I’ve actually read 55 pages since I got it two hours ago. You should read it-it’s pretty good so fsr-it’s called “Soon”. It appears to be book one of a series.

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Day 50

Day 50

Rom 5:3-4 is that one that pertains to this time. Also in the KJV Rom 2:1 at the end is straight says one of my theories. I forgot that my theories can usually be backed by scripture. It’s wisdom from God who lives in me I guess. “For thou that judgest doeth the same things” or as I say, we shouldn’t tell people that they’re wrong about this or that because everything we complain about we ourselves are guilty of (or will be) in some way, shape or form. That’s why instead of resenting or getting angry at someone we would need to complete the process of clearing all the planks from our own eyes. Many scriptures back up that unless we are perfect we shall not judge or condemn another. Most of the 1^st half of Rom 2 KJV says. I’m not talking to you I’m talking to myself and everyone on earth that I know. I am upset a lot with Paul McCartney because he has to make a body sound every 30 seconds. I am really becoming aware of this just in the past week. Never stops-even as I have written this he has: hiccupped, farted, yawned, burped, cleared throat, sneezed, coughed, sniffed, sucked teeth, and popped joints. It is more like every 15 seconds and I cringe because I’m dumbfounded-it’s always going nonstop. I can’t ever nap because of it. Even when he sleeps it’s snoring. What is wrong with this poor guy. He drums on his bare skin with his hands, crumbles papers and plastic, fans through a books pages with thumb over and over-it’s all on purpose right? My blood boils-other than him it is dead silent in here a lot. I don’t barely even make a peep. When he does speak he’s critical especially responding to me. That part has gotten better though as I snap back now. It’s the only thing that stops him—pew pew-gotta cover-rot. Anyway everyday I tell myself not to write about this but I’m trapped 23 to 24 hours a day for almost 3 weeks of this nonstop. Maybe it’s a pagan demon or I like to think it’s God trying to build patience in me. I am ashamed to be part of the male species. I will be happy to never have interactions with another man when I leave Man Island here. I can’t sleep cause the holms gets louder out of jealousy I guess, I don’t know. The point was I don’t complain about things that I am guilty of but I must be semi-equal with other lame things or at least to believe I am so that I can end the judging. I hate judging. I am not petty-these are abnormally inconsiderate things I speak of. Sound is ten time louder in this little sound proof concrete box. You only had one little thing that I had complained about. I worded it wrong though I think. Not anger but attitude or negativity. I get angry in here. I don’t look at him with attitude (though for the moment I do) but pity and confusion. I get angry at the odds and absurdity but I love and continue to feel love and sympathy for this guy. I look at the positive side and that is I am learning patience which is an awesome attribute to gain. This place also makes YOU look more and more perfect. The people here are so lame that all those hundreds of things I like about you are magnified. Now even your attitude problem is no big deal. Don’t get upset I have more planks than you and I’m sorry for pointing your one plank out. I will put forth effort to avoid ever doing that. I think a better and more effective way to help you with that is prayer and example. Help me if years down the road I forget. Prayer and example is my only option k? From this moment on hold me to that k? It really is the only thing that will work. Obviously me continuing to keep you aware of it was no help and possibly only made it more prevalent and surfacey-forgive me for that. I convince myself that that was the way to help you was to continue bringing it to your awareness instead of the best way to help through prayer and example with most concentration of ridding my own planks. See I have more potential to be a better man than you will find in the world. Mucho Gusto

Day 49

Day 49

I’m sad for Ali and Alyssa that Javier went to prison but in a way it is a blessing for us cause your parents are understanding of the fact that I had to come here. Hawaii! That’s cool that Sid and Sunny can fly us there but we got to have some cash saved up for room and food. Well at least we know that we will get to go. I like how Sunny woke up early to make me my last home cooked meal before coming here; egg and ham sandwich-it was the best! She did her devotion while I ate. Then when she dropped me off she asked me to forgive her for when she got mad at me at Gma’s that day-she was super cool! Anyway though, I hope we can go to Hawaii soon after this, we could use a romantic getaway. So I’m upset w/ Mike- I don’t care what he says does or says to me but he has upset my wife way too many times. Your safety should be way up on his top priority. As a father his daughter-in-law whose husband got put away needs to be dwelling on your safety at this time and helping you fix that fence issue. You should make a habit of putting that pole in the sliding glass door while you’re there and not. By now hundreds of people know you’re living alone. All mom and Mike’s friends and friends friends and maybe even friends, friends friends but who knows how far it goes. Bunch of pervs and criminals. With that pole you are safe. It’s not that hard to reach down and grab. Just start a habit. Most importantly I hope you are remembering to lock that front door every time. I remember how the baby’s greeting would distract us at times. I pray you will do everything w/ more caution-no out at night alone, carry cell and spray always-come on make Jefe proud J Anyway see how the blood-related men to me got on the ball-Gpa might actually forget though so you can give him a reminder. Anyway yeah I’m glad you are getting closer to Sunny. She was my best friend growing up. She was a brat but I also antagonized her because of it. But I really enjoy her perception and I know you could be just as good of friends w/ her as you are w/ Jen cause Sunny thinks just as much as Jen and I. Jen and Sunny are my favorite peeps. I feel close to them. Shawn and Gma are pretty cool too! My mom I would like a lot more if she wasn’t so influence by those around her. She is manipulated and has thus become a manipulator. Watch out for that. It’s sometimes real subtle like most effective manipulation is. I think you know what I mean but one example is how they kind of encouraged me to drink and smoke. They don’t want to feel guilty because I use to make them feel dumb about it when I was younger at times. Anyway besides being cautious the only other thing I ask is that you not drink with non God fearers. I know you know all this as you have more control than anyone I know and I really respect that. I wonder why the baby wouldn’t sleep in that bed with you? I bet I was the last one to sleep in it. How was the bay with Sunny while you were at the training those days. The reason I liked this last letter is because you were so positive about everything. That sucks that Sid forgot that printer for photos. I kind of forgot the details of your face again. I keep picturing you like 10 years ago with the pixie hair. Oh that was gross that Uncle Lynn ate meat from the fridge that was 2 weeks old. That is not like me-I would never do that, eww, never, never. So no Jen hasn’t indicated to me that she is depressed or having a hard time so I did end up writing her a letter, despite her short little one. Just got my first visitor approval—it’s you. So anyway you spoke of needing more space to put the stuff from the spare room-have you checked out the backyard storage attic yet? So if you send me that book make sure you take everything out of it first or the guards will think it’s a scam. 

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Day 48

Day 48

Three things I am forced to take a break from being: happy, friendly and funny. I still am at times but only about 5% of the time. A break from these things might be a good thing though. I can see them coming back with a vengeance when I get out since they were repressed in here for so long. I am loving what God has been telling me lately. Mainly that all the junk or hard things in my life before coming here was to help me to be in a mind set here that would better my future. I’m not even half way done with life yet so this second half will make up for the first. This is the breaking point, this is the crash that God allowed so that he could reassemble me. I have a fresh start. The main element in this rebirth is surrender-full surrender to God. That doesn’t mean for me to wait to see what he does but to go and see what he does. He’s got a plan and I’m excited to see what it is. So I got you and Alyssa’s letters. Wasn’t that so sweet how she wrote “I love you a lot”? Are you telling these people to be sweet-her and Alex? I’m amazed by it cause they aren’t much for talking like that in person. I would write her a letter back but it was so short and I wouldn’t be able to write a whole page probably-I don’t know though-you tell me anyone out there that you think it would be important for me to write to first and I will trust your instinct. This radio show that celly listens to for 3 hours every evening-it has become my only source of entertainment. Go to his website blowmeuptom.com to check out what I’m exposed to. The main theme and point he drills more than anything is that there is no benefit for men to be married now days. That men can “get more of what they really want” if single cause most girls give it out like nothing now days. Men and women continually call in and agree. The funny thing is though that he says there is only one exception: if the girl makes more than you and you’re man enough to handle that. In fact he recommends only one or the other as the only beneficial options. The main idea behind this wildly popular show is that you are a moron if you are a man and not single or with a girl that makes more than you. It is probably written on the website. Christians call in a lot too and even agree. My celly and I got into a brief argument due to me disagreeing with Lykus. He has been listening to this show for 10 years while living here in SoCal (he’s from Anaheim). Sorry I am going off about this but like I said it is really my only source of outside entertainment as we have no TV and only a small handful of trash novels. Anyway on today’s program they are talking about how through history women have acted like men owe them their financial support and how women have never felt the need to support men. They are saying that women have equal opportunity now that they are more educated than men and that more jobs are mental now instead of physical. I don’t think anyone should let go of their goals, men or women, and expect someone else to strive for theirs alone. We should all try to achieve greater levels of education and independence. If a couple has kids though I feel it is important that at least one parent is home making it their career to take care of the kids and not a daycare raising them y’ know?

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Day 47

Day 47

That “support team is here in California” thing that I need to tell them when they try to send me to North Carolina well I was thinking would it seem ridiculous to say if I only had a couple visits from family to call it my “support team”. I guess it’s up to God anyway but the point is is it considered that I have support if I’m lacking visits? So anyway I’ve had to have gained some weight back while in the SHU cause no activity. I refused shower yesterday which led to refusing cage dwell also and today I won’t go out either til next shower due to not wanting to sweat. I will shower next time. I just don’t like dealing with all the handling of me like I’m an axe murderer so when I refuse I physically avoid that. I got use to refusing last week but no more. It’s probably not too healthy to refuse getting out of this cell to have that split in the day since nothing happens in here. The reason I said on the phone “who cares about me, let’s make you okay” is cause I can handle anything as long as I know it’s just temporary-anything is endurable as long as I see a light at the end of it. So just slowly chugging along still with my letter writing since I aint sending out from SHU til I know for sure that you got 5/29 – 6/7. Hopefully you’ll have it figured when I call you in a couple days but if not I’ll just remind you and hold my letters another week. Hey by then I should have 5 whole pages. It’s like Paul McCartney said the letter writing really slows down by the 2^nd month. I know for me nothing happens in here and for you out there it’s pretty much been the same everyday except for weekends. So we neither have much to write except our feelings and inner thoughts. You said it is painful to write me cause it makes you focus on me too much. Think about us spoiled Americans who have it so easy. Even right now cause it’s true -would you rather live in Africa, Middle East, Russia or Asian countries (most) -most of the world still has it worse than us via long term suffering.  Just got your letter saying you got 3 from me so I WILL send this just let me know any dates are missing. Celly told me that inmates will have their chicks get a 2^nd phone line with a Long Beach area code. That way we don’t pay the long distance rate. I got your letter today and felt emotion reading it-was good! I adore you my lovely wife

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Day 46

Day 46

My bunky is one of those people who it’s okay for him to sleep but only when I’m sleeping he does drumming on his thighs with his hands, clears throat with a yell, exaggerated laughter etc. . I am continuing to build patience and tolerance. This is the rudest person I have ever known. He thinks he’s way smart but has a subscription to the National Enquirer and The Globe-still continues to stink-fart moist lingerers-foochy. I still have a size 12 and 13 both left slip-ons and the same jumpsuit all 15 days and still only little one sentence communication. I finally got mail today. Finally got a letter from someone other than you, mom, Jen or Gma-Amber sent a bday invention for Leo’s 6^th . Anyway homeboy here sucks his teeth for hours on end. Dead silence for some time and then it starts up-the sound of sucking. I cringed a lot from the sounds that come from down there (bottom bunk). I am not critical of people cause if I was guilty of the frequencies of these I would not speak. I am dead silent reading, writing and sleeping. Compared to him my body noises are a monk vow of silence. Men are so disgusting. I am understanding why many women are totally grossed out by their guy-gotta cover-another fart. So anyway member how you said you are only gonna speak Spanish if we have a baby? I like what my friend here at Terminal Island said he does with his baby; says the word or sentence in one language then the other. I would not argue if you say that you said that already. Anyway I think that’s good, that is, if the Lord wills for us to have babies. We will be good with his will.

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Day 45

Day 45

I started back up reading in Isaiah but the King James Version is sometimes hard to follow. So I went to Romans-which is the last book in the new testament that I remember reading to. So yeah celly always turns up this radio show to where I can hear it. This show is real popular here in L.A.. He is always talking about why things in society keep continuing. This week he is talking about why men always cheat and/or are jerks to their wives. The callers are all saying that wives are not respected that don’t work and because they aren’t in the workforce and are home a lot they are less respected and less intelligent. Anyway so I think we talk about that before that you developed a lot of good attributes from getting educated and being out in the workforce. Point is you didn’t just earn money in all this time of working. You gained things for yourself like: respect, independence, dignity, strength, higher intelligence, power etc.. What if you married some dude who worked and didn’t want you to and you had kids then he cheated and left you like some people we know. I think since God knew I was coming here he needed you to be self sufficient. God also knew thus no kids. Anyway have I mentioned the “shakedowns” here at TI (Terminal Island)? Out of nowhere a team of guards come in to search through all your stuff. Trying to remain content in the hole is a great feat of endurance. Seems some have failed the test and gone completely mad.

Now from my journal the day before I had to self surrender:

Jack’d up! This day is a trip! I’m goin to Badtown tomorrow. Hopefully it’s not all the hell I’m thinking it will be. Mars has been super duper sweet and friendly with me. I will pray for her strength and happiness daily. Well here I go to take it like a man-man up! Should be okay just some anxieties-be fine. Christ is going with me in there in me. 

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Day 44

Day 44

It’s weird to think how oblivious I am in here to what reality was. I haven’t seen the outdoors for a week. Haven’t even left this tiny cell in a week til I got a quick shower finally today. The water barely drizzles out and is scolding hot. I am unshaven and ignorant. This is my rebirth. I still continually feel the friction from me holding on to the good things about myself. The high powered hose of adjustment or “correction” is pressure washing my reality. The hole really sucks but it might be good for one. Being so confined for real. At least out there you chose whether you want to be locked inside or out every hour. I am thinking of this time as where God wants me right now. It really really sucks that we don’t have all those 15 minute calls anymore. At least it’s only for a small part of my sentence. This is like my rebirth. I feel myself getting dumber in the SHU. Nothing to challenge or stimulate me. I can’t wait for my Desk Reference book. I’m gonna say hi to it and it’s gonna say hi to me. So are you liking my letters. I’m not really thinking about my writing. I got mind blinders on and am dumber than usual. Not just in the hole but through this whole experience here on the island. It’s hard to think free when you’re not. It’s hard to have control of your mind when your body is forced to be where it doesn’t want to be. I told my celly about how these letters will be read by my grandchildren. He was right when he said “I don’t want my future generations to remember me as a prisoner”. It’s impossible to talk to this guy, he is the most touchy person I have ever met, by far. About 80% of what I say gets a response like “why would you think that” or “you just don’t get it do you” or “tell me you’re joking”. He really says these a lot that’s why I only talk for maybe 2 minutes a day-nah more like 1 or less. I have never snapped back but patience is wearing. Well I finally got a bible here to read. Found a King James Version of the Holy Bible on the book cart. All trash novels on there then the Holy Bible.

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Day 43

Day 43

I had some crazy dreams last night. I dreamt we were at a college party and everyone was chanting "strippers, strippers" and I was passionately instilling upon you that it was an advertising scheme called buzz marketing. That people that worked for the stripping agency went to these parties posing as college kids and chanted so they could sell their product or service through mob mentality. Then I had another dream that Jessica Halvorson fell on some concrete and hit her head and started convulsing and her eyes rolled back and a bunch of family was there trying to save her and Jen turned to me and said-"oh my gosh, you were right, she does die of head trauma". Then I had a dream we were out by some mountain and a ton of strangers were around and on top of the mountain we heard yelling and looked up and someone was dressed in a big bird costume and jumping around on top of the mountain yelling our names and came running down. It ended up being Shawn. Then I had one where we were at a store and Mike Stelling was there telling us about how some 99 year old lady was going around seducing people and suddenly a really old lady came up and told Mike "come with me”. Come to find out she was seducing men and then leaving them alone with other men to try to turn them gay. There were many other dream segments and moments but none that worthy of writing about. Something about a couple crying in a hospital but they were crying about something on a show on TV in the waiting room. There were also some cardboard signs through the dream with my name on them telling me where to go. Anyway I also shortened the dreams there were many fine and great details like when Shawn came down with the Big Bird costume I insisted that someone film me with it on up on the mountain but I was going to "engaged the audience" I kept saying. It took like 30 minutes to put the intricate costume on and I was eating a jelly-filled pastry as I put it on-it was lemon filled. See fine details but even more than that but I won't go into it. Anyway twelve days in the hole. I ask God to forgive me as I started cussing during my prayer last night. This led to my first cry in prison. My celly continues his stink-farts that get trapped in here and loud gagging, snorting, coughing and snoring while I’m trying to sleep so I prayed about it. I then started in about how unjust it is for me to be here and how I shouldn’t be in the hole just because I expressed that I was uncomfortable with some guy rubbing my bare leg. So because I did the right thing letting a psychologist know that this was a progressive problem and that I was forced to go from verbal defense to physical I get all these limitations and problems from staff. Locked up 23 hours a day. Handcuffed before I leave the cell for shower or rec (which are both in a tiny cage). No control of anything including the water and it’s temperature in the shower. Treat like a dangerous animal. Way less phone time. They don’t pack up my shoes that cost me $60 and I am in a stat called RSC, the guard and celly both told me that I’m suppose to have a cell to myself. I am not sure but I was told by my celly that there are some guys in shu with no limits so did they put me in the wrong status. They don’t listen to inmates, I would get in trouble for asking. I’m gonna talk to the Chaplin when I get out of here and see what he says (though he is a smoker and rumor is gay as well). This is just wrong-ethically wrong and unjust. I just want to be in the regular part of prison and treat like the regular inmates. I forgot to mention how limited I am in what I can have or get. Over 75% of my stuff is unavailable to me and I can’t get 95% of commissary. Well anyway can you imagine how much I yearn for you and ache for you in here. I sometimes just dwell on you for long periods of time. I think about how you use to be and look like with the overalls and short hair and how through the years you changed so much. You are the cutest thing I could fathom and you’re mine! I want to give you more than you ever thought would come. I want you to be worry-free. You deserve worry-free as you have had such a worryful last couple of years between this and my aneurysm. I hope it is doing something good for you as an individual. I know for certain it is doing something good for us as a couple. I remember when you use to wear those silly overalls I use to reach in and feel your naked cheeks-I miss that. I miss holding your hand in church and doing you hair at home. Let’s take in this time of being apart and years down the road when we have forgotten this ache for each other we can remember this feeling like I did w/ San Jose summer at times and that was just a couple of weeks. Same with Mexico but this feeling won’t soon be forgotten so easily. I’ve spent 6 days in a row locked in this little closet and tomorrow will make it a week. I think developmental retards are in here-sounds like the Durham Home sometimes. Well anyway if you send my Desk Reference book that should be enough to last me all year. Anyway oh and I was thinking how I am being handled like an axe murderer now-no joke-I am living and being handled in the exact same way that serial killers in America are. Now that’s hardcore and real. Don’t ever worry about me still focus on the growth God’s giving you.

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Day 42

Day 42

The gay is washing our cell door windows again-as if they got dirty in just one day. It is so hot in SHU right now that everyone, except me, hangs out in their tightie whities. Anyway the guards knew the guy was gay (they call him J-Lo too) and that’s why they chose him to linger around in the halls in the name of cleaning. Doesn’t it seem like I would be sleeping a lot in here? Well each time you dose off someone is waking you up w/ laughing, yell-coughing, snoring, singing, yelling and not just my bunky you can hear all the inmates. At least in general population the noise was continuous. So it didn’t catch you off guard or surprise you. Did you know that I’m still sick? I had to stop the amoxicillin at the end of my run w/it and I was starting to get better I think. Now I’m deaf in the ear and stuffed nose and still hocking. Member that thing you hate where people act like you’re crazy cause you have never heard of something. How would you like to hear that several times a day but with an addition? Here is one that just occurred: Paul: “do you think he got that legitimately?”

Me: “who?”

Paul: “Frank”

Me: “Frank who?”

Paul: “Frank Dukus”

Me: “who’s Frank Dukus?”

Paul (w/pissed voice) : “YOU DON”T KNOW WHO FRANK DUKUS IS!?”

It is subconsciously set up to fail the other person so they can act like the other person is retarded. It’s a trap-I rarely talk anymore-game. This place has really shown me what a unique and unannoying man I am. No wonder divorce is so common-even the white collar convicts here are super annoying. I really am the most attractive guy here when it comes to personality. Not even conceded either it’s just a plain fact. I was never around many men as an adult so I never learned a lot as opposed to in here being surrounded by guys. Men are disgusting human beings. I never mentioned that when they interviewed me the other day. The room was looking just like the ones they interrogate people in on the movies only smaller and older. I know when I get out I will be the same person only improved in all areas. I have never gone with the flow. I’m a loner Dotty, a rebel. So mail just came in and not a letter from you in 5 days. I hope you’re okay. I guess I’ll know tonight when I call. It’s okay that you haven’t wrote. I just wanted to basically let you know in case you sent one and it didn’t get to me. I’ve sent one out like every other day since I’ve been in the hole. You should have got like 4. One letter after the vows-no 2 after vows and I think two before. Well just look at the dates. The only dates that should be missing is like 27^th through 29^th I think cause they have them with the stuff they packed up of mine when sent to SHU. They LINGER! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THEY LINGER SOOO LONG! PEE –YOU. Tom Leykis is the radio show that is popular here in L.A.-my celly listens to it every day and I can kind of hear it through his headphones since sound is so amplified in this concrete closet. That’s how I heard about Paris Hilton going to jail, out and then back. I think homeboy here is in shu cause he’s so critical and someone wanted to kick his-hold up-same reason his wife left-no one likes a mistakeful critic. Well I gotta go wait by the door right now for a CO to walk by and see if I can get a phone call of 3 to 4 minutes. TTYS Sweety! 

Day 41

Day 41

SHU inmates are literally the prison rejects. You know I was thinking about how many non-fiction paperbacks you and I have. I could really use some literature in the SHU. If it’s not too expensive you should send me a textbook about History or Sociology or if I have my old Human Relations book that’d be cool. I won’t need more than probably two during this whole time in SHU. If it’s over 10 bucks to send one don’t worry your pretty little head. Well I’ll call you Friday and ask about it-can’t wait to talk to you! Remember if I’m not sounding sweet it’s cause now not only is my celly right there but the whole bottom floor can hear me-less privacy now. So 2^nd day in a row that I don’t go outside to cage due to not wanting to break a sweat due to no showering for 5 days now due to no shower shoes. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to wear the same clothes everyday too. I also would probably have got new shower shoes last week if they would have told me before it was too late that they forgot to pack up my shoes altogether. It aint cool being 100% at the whim of other people, especially prison CO’s. Not known for their differentiation of which inmates are in trouble and which aren’t. The CO’s in SHU have to deal with the prison troublemakers that are sent to the hole day in and day out. Oh yeah so Jen wrote me so gonna write her back. Anyway have you noticed that I stopped asking about the baby? It’s too painful to think about what she must think sometimes. It may even be harder than w/a baby or kid over 2 cause you can kind of explain to them when I’m coming back-maybe even use a calendar or someway for them to get a visual of when papi will be back. An infant I don’t really believe thinks as much or as intricate as the baby does. What’s this toilet story that made mom say that we have a smart little doggy? Yeah so federal prison is no different than state prison from all I’ve gathered from CO’s, inmates and just living here. And when it come to SHU-the hole is the hole. In this book, that I’m about to complete, that bunky gave me to read, there are over a hundred letters from inmates all over the country and anytime someone explains the hole it’s just like, exactly the way I’ve been living for the past 10 days now. So do you tell others most of the info I tell or is it that thing where you cry if you bring me up? You can let people read my letters if you don’t want to talk. I miss going out with you too! Going out to eat, to the movies-I really miss our vacations together-we would draw so close. Well I hear you decided that you are going camping after all. I hope it is a relaxing time for you. The most important thing to me is that you do the things you want to do, that will give you more peace and happiness. All the trickery I’ve informed you of through the years was possibly God allowing me to be secure in the fact that you are safe cause not naïve. I feel you are well prepared for anything and from all I’ve instilled in you I don’t have any worries. This is all obvious to you but in here it’s talked about a lot. There’s trust issues the other inmates who have a girl worry about-hundreds. I have no worries at all-you’re in God’s hands! That’s it…bottom line you have God and many of these others don’t. I like what you said on your last letter, “you’re too special, we’re too special”. You know I know you super well. You are the perfect girl a guy locked up could ask for J It’s like you said, I made one mistake 6 years ago-it just happened to be one with huge repercussions. Anyway blahblah I really hope I never come across just a bunch of hot air with all these words but words are all I have right now. Don’t hesitate to be 100% honest with me about your feelings or what ever cause we’re not just lovers but bestfriends that can confide and vent and cry out for help like you did on your letter. So anyway it’ll be cool talking to you on the phone but hard to talk so fast and short (like 3 minutes a week). Trust me, this time in SHU will be gone before you know it and we’ll be talking over 2 hours a month again and before you know it I’ll be back in your loving arms again and we’ll be relaxing together out in our backyard sippin lemonade and soaking rays. Okay well at least dining on Chinese out there and things will be better than they could have ever been without going through this time of aching for each other and increasing our idea of value in each other. Mi amo mucho!

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