Day 43

Day 43

I had some crazy dreams last night. I dreamt we were at a college party and everyone was chanting "strippers, strippers" and I was passionately instilling upon you that it was an advertising scheme called buzz marketing. That people that worked for the stripping agency went to these parties posing as college kids and chanted so they could sell their product or service through mob mentality. Then I had another dream that Jessica Halvorson fell on some concrete and hit her head and started convulsing and her eyes rolled back and a bunch of family was there trying to save her and Jen turned to me and said-"oh my gosh, you were right, she does die of head trauma". Then I had a dream we were out by some mountain and a ton of strangers were around and on top of the mountain we heard yelling and looked up and someone was dressed in a big bird costume and jumping around on top of the mountain yelling our names and came running down. It ended up being Shawn. Then I had one where we were at a store and Mike Stelling was there telling us about how some 99 year old lady was going around seducing people and suddenly a really old lady came up and told Mike "come with me”. Come to find out she was seducing men and then leaving them alone with other men to try to turn them gay. There were many other dream segments and moments but none that worthy of writing about. Something about a couple crying in a hospital but they were crying about something on a show on TV in the waiting room. There were also some cardboard signs through the dream with my name on them telling me where to go. Anyway I also shortened the dreams there were many fine and great details like when Shawn came down with the Big Bird costume I insisted that someone film me with it on up on the mountain but I was going to "engaged the audience" I kept saying. It took like 30 minutes to put the intricate costume on and I was eating a jelly-filled pastry as I put it on-it was lemon filled. See fine details but even more than that but I won't go into it. Anyway twelve days in the hole. I ask God to forgive me as I started cussing during my prayer last night. This led to my first cry in prison. My celly continues his stink-farts that get trapped in here and loud gagging, snorting, coughing and snoring while I’m trying to sleep so I prayed about it. I then started in about how unjust it is for me to be here and how I shouldn’t be in the hole just because I expressed that I was uncomfortable with some guy rubbing my bare leg. So because I did the right thing letting a psychologist know that this was a progressive problem and that I was forced to go from verbal defense to physical I get all these limitations and problems from staff. Locked up 23 hours a day. Handcuffed before I leave the cell for shower or rec (which are both in a tiny cage). No control of anything including the water and it’s temperature in the shower. Treat like a dangerous animal. Way less phone time. They don’t pack up my shoes that cost me $60 and I am in a stat called RSC, the guard and celly both told me that I’m suppose to have a cell to myself. I am not sure but I was told by my celly that there are some guys in shu with no limits so did they put me in the wrong status. They don’t listen to inmates, I would get in trouble for asking. I’m gonna talk to the Chaplin when I get out of here and see what he says (though he is a smoker and rumor is gay as well). This is just wrong-ethically wrong and unjust. I just want to be in the regular part of prison and treat like the regular inmates. I forgot to mention how limited I am in what I can have or get. Over 75% of my stuff is unavailable to me and I can’t get 95% of commissary. Well anyway can you imagine how much I yearn for you and ache for you in here. I sometimes just dwell on you for long periods of time. I think about how you use to be and look like with the overalls and short hair and how through the years you changed so much. You are the cutest thing I could fathom and you’re mine! I want to give you more than you ever thought would come. I want you to be worry-free. You deserve worry-free as you have had such a worryful last couple of years between this and my aneurysm. I hope it is doing something good for you as an individual. I know for certain it is doing something good for us as a couple. I remember when you use to wear those silly overalls I use to reach in and feel your naked cheeks-I miss that. I miss holding your hand in church and doing you hair at home. Let’s take in this time of being apart and years down the road when we have forgotten this ache for each other we can remember this feeling like I did w/ San Jose summer at times and that was just a couple of weeks. Same with Mexico but this feeling won’t soon be forgotten so easily. I’ve spent 6 days in a row locked in this little closet and tomorrow will make it a week. I think developmental retards are in here-sounds like the Durham Home sometimes. Well anyway if you send my Desk Reference book that should be enough to last me all year. Anyway oh and I was thinking how I am being handled like an axe murderer now-no joke-I am living and being handled in the exact same way that serial killers in America are. Now that’s hardcore and real. Don’t ever worry about me still focus on the growth God’s giving you.

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