Day 43

Day 43

I had some crazy dreams last night. I dreamt we were at a college party and everyone was chanting "strippers, strippers" and I was passionately instilling upon you that it was an advertising scheme called buzz marketing. That people that worked for the stripping agency went to these parties posing as college kids and chanted so they could sell their product or service through mob mentality. Then I had another dream that Jessica Halvorson fell on some concrete and hit her head and started convulsing and her eyes rolled back and a bunch of family was there trying to save her and Jen turned to me and said-"oh my gosh, you were right, she does die of head trauma". Then I had a dream we were out by some mountain and a ton of strangers were around and on top of the mountain we heard yelling and looked up and someone was dressed in a big bird costume and jumping around on top of the mountain yelling our names and came running down. It ended up being Shawn. Then I had one where we were at a store and Mike Stelling was there telling us about how some 99 year old lady was going around seducing people and suddenly a really old lady came up and told Mike "come with me”. Come to find out she was seducing men and then leaving them alone with other men to try to turn them gay. There were many other dream segments and moments but none that worthy of writing about. Something about a couple crying in a hospital but they were crying about something on a show on TV in the waiting room. There were also some cardboard signs through the dream with my name on them telling me where to go. Anyway I also shortened the dreams there were many fine and great details like when Shawn came down with the Big Bird costume I insisted that someone film me with it on up on the mountain but I was going to "engaged the audience" I kept saying. It took like 30 minutes to put the intricate costume on and I was eating a jelly-filled pastry as I put it on-it was lemon filled. See fine details but even more than that but I won't go into it. Anyway twelve days in the hole. I ask God to forgive me as I started cussing during my prayer last night. This led to my first cry in prison. My celly continues his stink-farts that get trapped in here and loud gagging, snorting, coughing and snoring while I’m trying to sleep so I prayed about it. I then started in about how unjust it is for me to be here and how I shouldn’t be in the hole just because I expressed that I was uncomfortable with some guy rubbing my bare leg. So because I did the right thing letting a psychologist know that this was a progressive problem and that I was forced to go from verbal defense to physical I get all these limitations and problems from staff. Locked up 23 hours a day. Handcuffed before I leave the cell for shower or rec (which are both in a tiny cage). No control of anything including the water and it’s temperature in the shower. Treat like a dangerous animal. Way less phone time. They don’t pack up my shoes that cost me $60 and I am in a stat called RSC, the guard and celly both told me that I’m suppose to have a cell to myself. I am not sure but I was told by my celly that there are some guys in shu with no limits so did they put me in the wrong status. They don’t listen to inmates, I would get in trouble for asking. I’m gonna talk to the Chaplin when I get out of here and see what he says (though he is a smoker and rumor is gay as well). This is just wrong-ethically wrong and unjust. I just want to be in the regular part of prison and treat like the regular inmates. I forgot to mention how limited I am in what I can have or get. Over 75% of my stuff is unavailable to me and I can’t get 95% of commissary. Well anyway can you imagine how much I yearn for you and ache for you in here. I sometimes just dwell on you for long periods of time. I think about how you use to be and look like with the overalls and short hair and how through the years you changed so much. You are the cutest thing I could fathom and you’re mine! I want to give you more than you ever thought would come. I want you to be worry-free. You deserve worry-free as you have had such a worryful last couple of years between this and my aneurysm. I hope it is doing something good for you as an individual. I know for certain it is doing something good for us as a couple. I remember when you use to wear those silly overalls I use to reach in and feel your naked cheeks-I miss that. I miss holding your hand in church and doing you hair at home. Let’s take in this time of being apart and years down the road when we have forgotten this ache for each other we can remember this feeling like I did w/ San Jose summer at times and that was just a couple of weeks. Same with Mexico but this feeling won’t soon be forgotten so easily. I’ve spent 6 days in a row locked in this little closet and tomorrow will make it a week. I think developmental retards are in here-sounds like the Durham Home sometimes. Well anyway if you send my Desk Reference book that should be enough to last me all year. Anyway oh and I was thinking how I am being handled like an axe murderer now-no joke-I am living and being handled in the exact same way that serial killers in America are. Now that’s hardcore and real. Don’t ever worry about me still focus on the growth God’s giving you.

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Day 42

Day 42

The gay is washing our cell door windows again-as if they got dirty in just one day. It is so hot in SHU right now that everyone, except me, hangs out in their tightie whities. Anyway the guards knew the guy was gay (they call him J-Lo too) and that’s why they chose him to linger around in the halls in the name of cleaning. Doesn’t it seem like I would be sleeping a lot in here? Well each time you dose off someone is waking you up w/ laughing, yell-coughing, snoring, singing, yelling and not just my bunky you can hear all the inmates. At least in general population the noise was continuous. So it didn’t catch you off guard or surprise you. Did you know that I’m still sick? I had to stop the amoxicillin at the end of my run w/it and I was starting to get better I think. Now I’m deaf in the ear and stuffed nose and still hocking. Member that thing you hate where people act like you’re crazy cause you have never heard of something. How would you like to hear that several times a day but with an addition? Here is one that just occurred: Paul: “do you think he got that legitimately?”

Me: “who?”

Paul: “Frank”

Me: “Frank who?”

Paul: “Frank Dukus”

Me: “who’s Frank Dukus?”

Paul (w/pissed voice) : “YOU DON”T KNOW WHO FRANK DUKUS IS!?”

It is subconsciously set up to fail the other person so they can act like the other person is retarded. It’s a trap-I rarely talk anymore-game. This place has really shown me what a unique and unannoying man I am. No wonder divorce is so common-even the white collar convicts here are super annoying. I really am the most attractive guy here when it comes to personality. Not even conceded either it’s just a plain fact. I was never around many men as an adult so I never learned a lot as opposed to in here being surrounded by guys. Men are disgusting human beings. I never mentioned that when they interviewed me the other day. The room was looking just like the ones they interrogate people in on the movies only smaller and older. I know when I get out I will be the same person only improved in all areas. I have never gone with the flow. I’m a loner Dotty, a rebel. So mail just came in and not a letter from you in 5 days. I hope you’re okay. I guess I’ll know tonight when I call. It’s okay that you haven’t wrote. I just wanted to basically let you know in case you sent one and it didn’t get to me. I’ve sent one out like every other day since I’ve been in the hole. You should have got like 4. One letter after the vows-no 2 after vows and I think two before. Well just look at the dates. The only dates that should be missing is like 27^th through 29^th I think cause they have them with the stuff they packed up of mine when sent to SHU. They LINGER! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THEY LINGER SOOO LONG! PEE –YOU. Tom Leykis is the radio show that is popular here in L.A.-my celly listens to it every day and I can kind of hear it through his headphones since sound is so amplified in this concrete closet. That’s how I heard about Paris Hilton going to jail, out and then back. I think homeboy here is in shu cause he’s so critical and someone wanted to kick his-hold up-same reason his wife left-no one likes a mistakeful critic. Well I gotta go wait by the door right now for a CO to walk by and see if I can get a phone call of 3 to 4 minutes. TTYS Sweety! 

Day 41

Day 41

SHU inmates are literally the prison rejects. You know I was thinking about how many non-fiction paperbacks you and I have. I could really use some literature in the SHU. If it’s not too expensive you should send me a textbook about History or Sociology or if I have my old Human Relations book that’d be cool. I won’t need more than probably two during this whole time in SHU. If it’s over 10 bucks to send one don’t worry your pretty little head. Well I’ll call you Friday and ask about it-can’t wait to talk to you! Remember if I’m not sounding sweet it’s cause now not only is my celly right there but the whole bottom floor can hear me-less privacy now. So 2^nd day in a row that I don’t go outside to cage due to not wanting to break a sweat due to no showering for 5 days now due to no shower shoes. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to wear the same clothes everyday too. I also would probably have got new shower shoes last week if they would have told me before it was too late that they forgot to pack up my shoes altogether. It aint cool being 100% at the whim of other people, especially prison CO’s. Not known for their differentiation of which inmates are in trouble and which aren’t. The CO’s in SHU have to deal with the prison troublemakers that are sent to the hole day in and day out. Oh yeah so Jen wrote me so gonna write her back. Anyway have you noticed that I stopped asking about the baby? It’s too painful to think about what she must think sometimes. It may even be harder than w/a baby or kid over 2 cause you can kind of explain to them when I’m coming back-maybe even use a calendar or someway for them to get a visual of when papi will be back. An infant I don’t really believe thinks as much or as intricate as the baby does. What’s this toilet story that made mom say that we have a smart little doggy? Yeah so federal prison is no different than state prison from all I’ve gathered from CO’s, inmates and just living here. And when it come to SHU-the hole is the hole. In this book, that I’m about to complete, that bunky gave me to read, there are over a hundred letters from inmates all over the country and anytime someone explains the hole it’s just like, exactly the way I’ve been living for the past 10 days now. So do you tell others most of the info I tell or is it that thing where you cry if you bring me up? You can let people read my letters if you don’t want to talk. I miss going out with you too! Going out to eat, to the movies-I really miss our vacations together-we would draw so close. Well I hear you decided that you are going camping after all. I hope it is a relaxing time for you. The most important thing to me is that you do the things you want to do, that will give you more peace and happiness. All the trickery I’ve informed you of through the years was possibly God allowing me to be secure in the fact that you are safe cause not naïve. I feel you are well prepared for anything and from all I’ve instilled in you I don’t have any worries. This is all obvious to you but in here it’s talked about a lot. There’s trust issues the other inmates who have a girl worry about-hundreds. I have no worries at all-you’re in God’s hands! That’s it…bottom line you have God and many of these others don’t. I like what you said on your last letter, “you’re too special, we’re too special”. You know I know you super well. You are the perfect girl a guy locked up could ask for J It’s like you said, I made one mistake 6 years ago-it just happened to be one with huge repercussions. Anyway blahblah I really hope I never come across just a bunch of hot air with all these words but words are all I have right now. Don’t hesitate to be 100% honest with me about your feelings or what ever cause we’re not just lovers but bestfriends that can confide and vent and cry out for help like you did on your letter. So anyway it’ll be cool talking to you on the phone but hard to talk so fast and short (like 3 minutes a week). Trust me, this time in SHU will be gone before you know it and we’ll be talking over 2 hours a month again and before you know it I’ll be back in your loving arms again and we’ll be relaxing together out in our backyard sippin lemonade and soaking rays. Okay well at least dining on Chinese out there and things will be better than they could have ever been without going through this time of aching for each other and increasing our idea of value in each other. Mi amo mucho!

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Day 40

Day 40

It’s weird sleeping in here cause no matter what you dream about you always wake up to the nightmare that is your reality; I’m a convict, on a cot, in a cell. About once a day I get this overwhelming feeling that I’m trapped. The cloister phobics loose it first in here. I use to be cloister phobic until I convince myself that it is just all in the mind. I am literally trapped in this tiny space all day with no fresh air. So bye bye to quiet. They made my celly and I move today to downstairs where all the rest of the people are. It’s a full house on this floor. Besides all the noise the other thing that sucks is we are in pitch dark at 10pm-it’s not that horrible but I must abruptly stop writing or reading and go directly to sleep. It’s loud down here-now I see why the CO’s in SHU treat us like animals-the sounds. So I got your letter last night. I hear you loosing it a bit. I pray now that the pieces you loose God finds, fixes up and gives them back to you. We will both be alright because of his mercy for his kids. Anyway there was finally some progress in my investigation. I got interviewed and it went normal. I pretty much told him exactly what I told you. The main thing is I don’t feel unsafe going back out there in general population. So well I still could be in the SHU for up to 90 days but I really doubt I’ll be in here for more than 3 or 4 weeks and that’s only because of how slow things go with the BOP (Bureau of Prison). I at least don’t feel forgotten in here anymore. So I go back to my hole where I live on the top cot and wonder if after being in here so long that I’ll have to readjust to the general population. I know I’ll have a fresh start and new perspective. No more having such a kind heart toward the latin population cause in here they’re bad minus the Pisa crew that I became friends with. Bunky farts every 2 minutes ultra rotten cheese cause he only poops once a week. Explains to me how he wasn’t sleeping every time I don’t flush pee from the extremely loud toilet but he was snoring violently. I finally says “oh, you were just resting your eyes and making horn noises with your nose?” . He continually claims he doesn’t snore when actually he wakes me up every day with it. Yes I am learning tons of patience in here. Sorry to hear that Bob, Bike and the grands were so self center on our anniversary when you needed them the most. You must have had no idea why I wasn’t able to call you that day. I am in love with you and will not abandon you like this again. Anyway another reason his gas reeks is because he saves food from meals, unrefrigerated for 12 to 14 hours. When I first got in a cell with him I told him I was sick and he said what most dudes say to me “that’s okay I don’t get sick”. He’s been sick the last 8 days-people are weird man. Anyway I didn’t go out for my one hour cage dwell today cause I’m still trying to avoid sweating at all costs this week due to no shower due to no shower shoes. Yesterday I got so bored I almost freaked and celly gave me a Maxim magazine to read. At first I refused and asked if there was actually good reading material-he says he only gets it for the reading. Well it IS good reading and always just one of those unattractive Pamela Anderson types for just a few pages in the middle so whatever-I thought I’d tell you. If it upsets you check one out one time at the stores-it’s basically just the cover and those few pages that’s annoying. If anyone sends me a mag or paperback then I will have reading material otherwise I’m just laying here staring at the ceiling while celly and everyone else in here is either reading or listening to their headphones which I also don’t have (just the jimmy rigged speaker). Anyway so while celly was out I washed my socks and undies for these 4 days in the low flow sink that we had to jam a straw in. This is tough though-you know how much I hate dealing with gross things. Anyway on a brighter side that was a funny note from Alex dancing the night away. So I read your letter again and you got me trippin boo. God wants you to have times of boredom and loneliness. It is this time to have a deep, intimate relationship with him. Remember how us being all alone together in Washington made us grow more close than if we had people near? You have this time to draw closer and have that personal intimacy that being lonely really brings. That time I spent in Reno all alone was the closest I ever was to God. Well you know all this but your letter cried out to me and I would be heartless to not offer some helpful words. The first time I read your letter I just assumed you were either venting or informing me of the feelings you had inside. I was just gonna hear it that way but this is a different form of communication then when I was there and you just wanted me to listen and hush. Now you have no way of knowing that I was hearing you like “I hear you babygirl” unless I write something about it so I hope you take it as I really hear you and care. I wish I could be out there to comfort you about me being in here. God can give you more comfort than I ever could and Paul McCartney never stops farting the smell of butt as he wears only his tighty-whiteys all the time. Since we are locked in an air tight closet 23 hours a day together and it’s every 2 minutes I can taste it and it has given me a sinus infection. Oh he drinks old milk that has been out since yesterday (stopped keeping them in the toilet). I am trapped up here near the ceiling and the smell never leaves-Help Me Lord God Help! I have stopped myself many times from saying something because what’s he gonna do hold them in and hurt his stomach. I treat others how I want treated and that would suck to have to hold my gas. So I keep silent and deal and get headaches from the hardcore aroma. They aren’t standard farts-they smell like butt. Sorry to write so much about it but it is impossible to ignore. It invades my being. Keeps them rotating about every 2 minutes since last night. Have I mentioned that you gotta yell super loud through the doors to a CO who just happens to walk by to get things like TP, forms, info etc. 9 times out of 10 you gotta ask again cause they forget in a matter of minutes, They shake their head yes but never return. So yep he forgot. I told my bunky that it’d be funny to start pounding on the door and freaking out about getting that form. Just to make a huge production so that they don’t forget. Well I just became a little more insecure. Somehow this gay guy who goes by J-Lo and who use to work in the kitchen with me ended up being put in the SHU and somehow got a job as the SHU orderly which means he mops outside our cells in the hallway. Problem is these cells have a grilled window about the size of 3 of my heads stacked up but skinnier. There is a large fluorescent light in the cells so from the hall you can see everything inside the cell. Well just walking by the CO’s or whoever are able to see our penis’s urinating and our butts being wiped. Inmates can see each other doing this from across the hall through windows. So now we have a homo lurking around the hall in the name of cleaning. The rest of the kitchen workers have got to be thinking it’s connected cause there is only about 20-30 people in the hole so the odds that we would come in here right around the same time has got to be rare. There gonna give me hell at work about this. I am Job from the bible-especially when I had that rash all over and was itching it with a major headache and fever in the hole in prison with farty. Oh just great, now J-Lo is washing our window and made eye contact w/ my nutsack. Back in the kitchen the white shotcaller guy who put me in here would come up to me at work and say that J-Lo was checking me out which he IS a starer. Well the day before I came in here he came and told me that he told J-Lo to stop staring at me. Now this extremely overweight gay Native American is in here washing my window wtf is up with that-totally violated-not safe using the toilet anymore-yeah so this is death row. This is beyond maximum security. I have this visualization of the kind of man I want to be when I get back into the world. It’s like Charles Ingles meets Brett Meador…on LSD of course J. I should be out in GP in no time. Don’t think me trying to get out of J unit wasn’t necessary-it really was-I haven’t written all things-not any bodily harm on me but I’ll tell you later. You’ll be proud of my wisdom with more then one unmentionable. Was still unnecessary to come to the SHU though. 

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Day 39

Day 39

So this is the most pissed I’ve been since I’ve been in here. The main C.O. just told me that they didn’t grab my shoes from my previous cell. My old celly owes a lot of people so I’m sure they’re gone by now. Doesn’t it seem like it’s their responsibility to gather all my stuff from my cell when they throw me in the hole unexpectedly? Well I’m not 100% sure but since I was just told that they didn’t grab my shoes I’m sure they didn’t grab my shower shoes either which is what I have been waiting on before taking another shower. “Welcome to prison” says Paul. So there’s $60 down the drain. The only good thing is that I got the cheapest ones. Well that’s not good but I guess could have been worse. So I’m anxious to someday find out what else they didn’t grab. Corrupt and retarded CO’s and there’s nothing I can do about it. So I won’t be taking a shower for another week til I can buy more shower shoes. At least they’re only $5. Pretty much everything else was in my locker so it should all be accounted for-shoes we kept under the bed. So we can try to look at the bright side-I could have had to pay a restitution fine of $60,000 or more like some folks around here. Oh, so since no shower (til new shower shoes) same clothes for a week too; same socks, same underwear. Something else weird about prison-everyone sounds like they know for sure about things. It messes me up because I never state things as facts unless I am 100% certain. I thought Warner was crazy but come to find out it’s typical. So yeah they have the inmates taking showers locked in those cages w/the water running for almost an hour now. I think it’s punishment cause my bunky was yelling for them to turn off the water like a half hour ago. I used the toilet while he was gone so that was a special treat. But anyway back to my old bunky probably selling my shoes, I seem to be the only one in prison who actually knows what it is to be cool. See if I were Mexican he would not sell them. If he was white he would save them for me. Prison politics is uncool. These inmates pour more rules onto themselves than there are in here. You aint right if you aint racist in here-lame. Oh and whiners man-I never realized that men will either complain or get upset if they don’t have their way. Every day that I’ve been here I’ve had to stop myself from saying “waaah” poor baby. They don’t sound whiney but what they say is whining. It’s one thing to complain about something in the world to those close to you but to people that are just temporary. Waaah! Ok so check it-last night they finally gave me my radio walkman but check it-the remaining earbud didn’t work (other one tore off a couple weeks ago). So anyway for about 3 hours last night I jimmy rigged the hell out of my ear bud and got it to work.1^st I deteriorated the whole outside of the earbud with my thumbnail. 2^nd I tore the wires up from the solder point. I reattached them with the border of my page of postage stamps to a non shorted out spot. Next I used more stamp page border to tape TP around the body. Then more to tape it to the inside of one of my medicine bottles lids. This is to keep it stationed (so wires don’t move) and protected and force sound forward only. I even took a staple from one of your letters to scrape passed the linked stamp borders and TP to clear room for the sound. So now I either can hold it up to my ear or put it under the earpiece of my glasses to hold it there. The only flaw since it was an ear bud and not headphone is it was made to go into the ear and so I have to turn it up all the way to hear it ok. It’s not one of the 10 items on the SHU commissary list so can’t buy another. Paper, envelopes and stamps are so that’s good. The warden actually encourages letter writing in here cause he says it’s healthy to have communications w/ the outside. One other good thing is that they have a book cart with like 10 to 20 books on it. Only problem is it’s all fictional stories-but not in a place to be choosey. Well I’m gonna have to hold out on my push-ups and situps at cage cause I need to not sweat much this week. So I was thinking it may be too hard for me to go year by year with memories. I may just have to remember things, then write what year it was. I’m having a hard time thinking about the past in here cause my heart is set on the future. Yeah I got my bunky sick a few days ago since we live in a closet together and he has the loudest yellcough I’ve ever heard. It’s like he’s forcing it hard and everything is much louder in this empty concrete cell. Violently yell-coughing every few seconds and it drives me wild. This is the kind of guy who gets annoyed very easily. He responds with a “what the F’s your problem” or “what are you an F’ing retard” kind of tone about 75% of what he says when it is completely unwarranted. I’m his first celly in the 45 days he’s been in SHU so he has an excuse. So now you know why I stopped talking to him 5 days ago. Oh and almost all he says he talks super slow and you can guess each of his words before he says them. Love em though, love em though-love all these people-I really do cause of God of course-with him living in me that part is easy. Anyway my celly said chow in the army was 10 times better than here. Well I should close out. Anyway Beauty don’t worry about me ever-it could always be worse-at least he keeps to himself a lot. Hard situations are good and help us improve in life. The worse things are-the more the regular things in life seem nice. Anyway I hope this letter wasn’t lame cause it’s hard to write about things in here when nothing happens in the hole. I hope someone can send me some kind of literature cause trash novels suck. I am hoping the Chaplin will come through here soon so I can get a bible and I’m sure my pagan celly will get worse because of it-I think he’s processed—no one goes from normal to instantly pissed so quickly so often and the things like yell coughing and excessive gas seem unrestrained and intentional. Okay well gotta send this out. Just know that you are my favorite friend ever! 

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Day 38

Day 38

So I think in these letters I will just write the memories like I did but instead not write out the whole story like I pretty much did with the 3 years old ones. Each year of childhood should have more memories cause I would have been more conscience. Next up is 1979! Anyway though did I already tell you that I will probably be in here at least 3 more weeks. So they let us go outside today for our cage pace since they forgot about us on Friday. While they were unhandcuffing me one said “what’s up with your thumb?!” I said just scraped but instantly took advantage of the attention I was finally getting from a staff person and said “but look at this rash all over me”. It scared them cause I’m completely spotted. One called the PA and 3 hours later he looked at me with a flashlight through the cell door flap. I told him that I was taking amoxicillin and he said “oh this is extremely rare, I have only seen 3 people allergic to amoxicillin in my many years” but he is gonna get a 2^nd opinion in a couple days when the regular staff come back after the weekend. Medical staff here always seem abnormally oblivious. Welp one week in the hole – it’s borderline inhumane living like this. I really can’t obtain the reality that the BOP is a government organization. Second time now at cage time that people in suits come walking by our cages just to stare. Have I mentioned there’s nine separate cages and one to two guys per cage (you are in with your bunky). So these people walk through what resembles a people zoo. Some guys just pace, 2 cages have a pull-up bar so some guys hang. The pacers are the lions, the hangers are monkeys. I growled a couple times for the guys in the suits. Don’t worry they were clear at the other end. They couldn’t hear me but the other animals I I mean inmates could so rock-n-roll I guess. I actually, for the first time, slept a lot today. 10pm to 6am, ate breakfast then went back to sleep til lunch at 11am. Looks like rash is clearing up so yeah I guess I did have allegies to amoxicillin-I must be rare babycakes. Ok 1979, let’s start with the clearest memory of the year and most important, Jen’s birth. Wait did I mention I’m refusing to shower til they give me my shower shoes? Also there is a midget in one of the cages. Lastly, please write to me the characteristics and attributes of your ideal man so I can develop and improve those things for you. Be honest, don’t write what you think I want to hear or even what you have already preconceived but think long and hard what things turn you on and make you go gaga. I guess I can give you an example of what I like. Many things you already have going either occasionally or at times. 1) Jesus Freak: not a religious girl but a spiritual one. I don’t like religious like “gotta do this and that or can’t do this and that” more like “God makes me feel so alive and so full of love, I am a huge sinner but he continues to give me grace”. It’s like feeling but beyond-it’s everything-that’s spiritual. 2) Playful: Easy going and loose, like adventure. Not out of control like the extreme of this but fun loving, peaceful, weird, crafty/artsy, strange, goofy, nerdy, creative, bizarre, silly, not ashamed to look foolish, shows openness and vulnerability which is attractive to me. 3) Go Getter: (you a lot) accomplishes goals, organized, hardworking, clean, efficient, independent. 4) Loyal: likes me a lot, laughs at my humor, only has eyes for me, would do anything I want, hangs on through tough times, submitted, clingy, exclusive, semi-loner (you often). 5) You: Jesus Freak, Playful, Go Getter and Loyal. You are already these things and as I wrote them I realized I was describing you. That’s why I’m so attracted to you. If in the description of each you see attributes that are rare in you then you can fulfill the whole purpose of this idea by improving or further developing them even though you are all five things at different levels. There is an excuse for everything and anything can be developed or improved despite the obvious reason of why we aren’t developed that way. If you feel like my vows to you are things that will help me improve what attracts you that’s good but then I want to know what really gets you going. I love you so so much and want you to live happy so I will do whatever it takes. I am not lazy or afraid of hard work and that is express in the fact that I lift weights every day for years and that I am always the best at my jobs. The problem I have is fear of becoming boring or unhappy (or both) and jobs have a tendency to do that if you work too much or too hard. The quick fix is to don’t work as much but if you have to it’s gotta be something you enjoy. This is an ultimate goal-career wise. Anyway Paul McCartney farts stinking, life-changing smells. I get sick breathing them for hours as I live close to the ceiling. Oh yeah so while mom was pregnant with Jen I didn’t really realize that she was producing a baby in there. Then one day Bob Bracewell came to babysit me and he gave me a brand new train set and said it was from my new baby sister. That’s what they referred to her as all the time MY  baby sister-that’s why my 4 year old brain thought she belonged to me. I treat her like she was mine too. Anyway one of the toughest things about the SHU is not knowing my destiny-where and when I’m going. Couple C.O.’s were laughing at me when escorting me back from the cages cause I had 2 left shoes. I mentioned how one was size 12 and the other 13 and I wear 9’s and they laughed even more. Jokes on them though-I’m experiencing a life-changing ordeal in here while they’re stuck in monotonyville. Anyway 79, 79 mom met Bob Bunce and I guess I had my first crush. Mom gave me a box of Valentines for my classmates and I made them all out to Shannon Bunce who was born 5 days after me. I was a real romantic, one women kind of guy at 5 and through the rest of my life-never liked more than one girl at a time. At this time I’d like to give a shout out to all the fools in cell block D of the J-unit for giving me a little appreciation for this slow, quiet and boring hole in the SHU. Two extremes though, one loud and chaotic-one quiet and boring. 79, y’know I don’t have any other real memories from 79-just a bunch of random things like falling backwards in a chair, neighbor giving me Rolos and my first birthday party. Did you know if you get into a fight you only get like one week in the hole? 1980, Shawn is born- I don’t remember mom being pregnant cause I was too busy playing with my new step siblings Bobby, Robin and Shannon. I do remember going to stay w/family friends for a week. In just a year I went from being an only child for my first 4 years to being the middle child of 6 with my mom having 2 babies (15 months apart) and 3 new stepchildren that needed her attention. Babies of course always take much attention but 3 new stepchildren need to continually be assured that they are loved and cared about by their brand new stepparent. I got tons of attention from my mom my first 4 years now I was put on the backburner. That year bobby threw a peach pit down while I was running and it went under my foot and I rolled on it and broke my leg. I was a kindergartener with crutches-can you imagine how cute that would look. I had a hard time using the crutches so I would crawl a lot and when mom wasn’t around Bob Bunce would yell at me for crawling. I like how he always waited for her to be gone then he would ridicule me, harass me and beat me cause supposedly he was jealous of my early intelligence according to my mom.

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Day 37

Day 37

For anyone who doesn’t realize how hardcore this prison really is:

Al Capone:                  

After finishing his Federal felony sentence at Alcatraz, he was transferred to FCI Terminal Island in 1939 to serve a one-year sentence.

Charles Manson:                      

From early 1956 until late 1958 was imprisoned for stealing a '51 Mercury. Charles Manson was later convicted of trying to cash a government check and was first sentenced to McNeil Island in Washington state in 1961, but ended up back at Terminal Island in 1966.

So anyway when you go collect the money from 7-11 Forest you should have Mike go with you and just stand there and stare. This morning I asked for a form from the CO so I can try to get a PA (physicians assistant) to come look at my rash but the CO has not returned-typical. Just had 2^nd shower in SHU but no more til they give me my shower shoes. The showers don’t drain right so your standing in a puddle of the previous people’s God knows what. If you don’t have shower shoes they have you wear socks in the shower. All they have to do is bring me the shower shoes I already bought. Anyway so my socks get all soaked –then when they turn off the water they only give you a few seconds to get dressed so I have to rush and put my tighty whities on and the soaking wet soaks drip all over and touch the inside of the underwear. So basically I am forced to get water from the bottom of a prison floor on the inside of my underwear and I think the HIV positive people are in the SHU. I also had a blister from the boots that had popped on my toe the day before my first shower. Anyway after my shower today, after they took the cuffs off through the door flap I went to my top bunk and had to slip my package out of my soaked whities. Anyway as for your letter-yeah I will grow my hair out for you anytime a job of mine permits. I would have had it long between the aneurysm and coming here but the judicial system frowns on that style so they spoiled that. If you prefer it long then long it is. Then you always say to have it how I want it well that’s not true love-I don’t care about my desires even half as much as yours-especially when it comes to how I look. Member you’re the queen of all my hair. I have no preference. Short hair is the way to go in here though cause you can blend in and don’t have to deal with it. No mirrors in SHU. Bunky and I have been locked in this closet 3 days now and still not one conversation. We both read and sleep-but I write too. I had to borrow a book from him the 2^nd day. It’s called “ We’re All Doing Time “ by Bo Lozoff – A Guide To Getting Free. It’s about freeing your mind. It’s okay but I take everything that goes in me and majorly filter it out with a Christ-heart then weed and glean the gold nuggets that I learn. See I discovered this months before I came in here. You can learn through everything but you must weed out the junk from it and glean the nuggets or truth and reality. In order to do this properly you must have the wisdom that only comes from God. The hole is actually making me more spiritual. It’s like ol’ Corrie Ten Boom would say “you’ll never know Christ is all you need until Christ is all you have”. Well I have a couple of things but nearly nothing. You know I never wanted to full out express about my last celly Gerardo Flores cause he was so sketchy, dominant and paranoid. He was more of a cool guy/hustler than a thug and would be okay as a friend but it sucks living in such close quarters with someone like that. He had all his stuff in excess hogging up the whole cell (had like 3 or 4 of everything-sound familiar). Dumb stuff like 3 or 4 combs, 3 or 4 toothbrushes etc. He even asked to use about 30% of my locker. I aint complaining though cause it’s good for a person to tough it out but also he would hang his feet over the  top bunk and often swing them when I was on the bottom bunk. Or he would use his bunk as a table and have his crotch in my space for long periods of time with his boxers on. He many times would have 3 or 4 guys sitting on my bed for hours visiting and when I would come up to the cell they would act like they were having a private meeting. He was the main weed dealer in there and sold weed from our cell. I would often times come back and find remnants of pot on my bunk or it would smell like pot smoke (they use the locker lock as a pipe and blow it through cloth stuffed toilet paper rolls to filter the 2^nd hand). One time the guards did a random inspection and when I came back to the cell I found a smashed joint roach on the ground. The guards must not have see it but if they had I would have maybe gotten charged with it or at the very least lost any good behavior time and got out of here later. You gotta keep acting like you’re cool with things around the south siders (Surenos—an L.A. gang) cause if you piss off one you piss them all off and my celly was their shotcaller in the unit. I found out J unit is the biggest unit and the only one with 3 floors. Those guys were so back and forth with me. Giving me the knuckle bump and saying things like “I like this guy” or “you keep it real dog” but a minute later they could be saying”damn, I wanna kick you in the face right now” or “you’re f-ing retarded and a lot of “don’t do this” or “you better do this”. They were actually really dumb but they thought they were really smart. I do love them and will miss them cause they were funny at times and a part of my life. Also it’s like I said when alone they were always nice but two or more-mostly threateny. So it’s like 6 hours after my shower and my undies are still damp from putting my sloshy socks through the leg holes-lameness. So I really didn’t like complaining about them but it’s info I need to remember to help me. It is necessary to put on an act here in prison. This time in SHU is monk-like but I gotta get out. They forced me to come in here to protect me from those who were joking w/ touching, caressing and lust for me talk. I need to make it more clear that I felt uncomfortable not threatened. It is possible that the joking would have continued to progress but the solution would have been to simply move me to another unit. Okay so now I am finally understanding why I am in here. They are obligated to take disciplinary action on persons involved once they were informed of the incident (not by me remember it was the white shotcaller who told a staff person. So anyway I am still paranoid that they are reading my letters especially now that I am in the hole “under investigation”. They are never gonna find the name I made up cause ChoCho is not a real person so there is a chance I will be in here longer than I should. They are blowing it out of proportion. They only needed to put me in a different housing unit. If they get mad enough at me for not snitching they may send me to another prison. I wasn’t gonna stay in that cell. I am a man and a man doesn’t like to be touch like that by another man, joking or not. It was happening a couple times a week for about 3 weeks and I could not allow it to continue any longer-that’s why I went to the white shotcaller who is suppose to help. You always go to inmates to get stuff worked out never the staff. The inmates run things and there is a lot of politics. The shotcaller is like the elected governor of that group of people. Anyway the guy I hit that was tryin to rub up my leg—I did not want to hurt him but did to stop him and it really pissed him and the other guy off for that moment. After I hurt him I said “I don’t want to hurt you” and he thought I was threatening him but I was just expressing that I didn’t want to have to hit him but couldn’t allow that. That white shotcaller (named Tahiti) wanted me to tell staff about it to get moved to a different unit but I refused so he said he would tell them as long as I came with him. Shotcallers solve problems-that’s what they do. It sucks but I think God wanted me to come to the hole cause now I am really changing for the better. It’s hard in the SHU but I’m able to think better. It sucks but may have been necessary. I will try to get out at the earliest so we can talk more but know that God is in control. Have I already told you that they only do mail Tuesday through Friday here-spread the word. Anyway you could never imagine how strange and old this place is. The movies makes prisons seem new but this place really looks like Alcatraz. I guess I can try a reflection going back to my first memory since nothing new happens in SHU. I have about 20 or so memories from when I was 3 years old but none are good stories. One might be let’s see…My mom, who was just a kid herself, was blowing bubbles for me to pop with a pencil when I stabbed my eyeball with the led. I remember the feeling and even remember the hospital visit but what stands out most is my mom freaking out laying on the horn cause her car was blocked in and my eyeball was bleeding. Yeaa some story How about that same year when an older neighbor kid convinced me to take a cork board with all the spare keys to the apartments in the mangers office and the cops came looking for me so I hid. Or also when I was 3 I tried to put a dead bee down a girls shirt and the stinger stung me. Or maybe about someone’s kite string wrapping around my thumb as the kite took off into the sky and almost 30 years later I still wear the ring shaped scar on my thumb. Then there was the time I got hit by the car. Or when I was 3 all us neighbor kids stood around and watched two kids having sex. I also remember dozens of times waiting for and riding the church bus and going to church all by myself. One time a guy came into my Sunday School class to teach us something and he straight up pointed a gun at the ceiling and shot a bullet through it. I wouldn’t believe it really happened today if I didn’t clearly remember looking at the bullet hole every week after that. The best and clearest thing I remember from when I was 3 is that I got in trouble in Sunday school and had to sit in the back. Someone came in the door and asked who wanted to accept Jesus and I was the only one to raise my hand. I was taken to the kitchen and sat on a chair while the lady knelt down and we prayed that if I ever got hit by a car I would go to heaven. I was a little shaken cause I had already been hit by a car once. I remember us praying there well—and then I got to have my cookies and punch before the rest of the kids. Well those are the only real memories of my first 3 years besides my mom’s wild teenage parties in the apartment. Oh yeah we got a bird and I suggested the name Sandy for it and my mom said “will see” and I got all excited and said “yeah Wilsey-that’s a good name!” so that’s what we named it. By the way I wanted to name it Sandy cause I was in love with Sandy on the movie Grease when I was 3.Anyways you may have noticed that my handwriting is more sloppy. It is cause all we get is these short flexible pens so that we can’t stab. So did Gma get her letter? Anyway Beautylove-I hope you liked those vows. I really am gonna put great effort into them always. You were right about that thing you use to say to yourself when you were younger that someday you were gonna make a good wife. You have been, even as a working girl/career women. I don’t think there have been any huge mistakes in our marriage because we have had God in our lives the whole time and our love has grown stronger and richer through all these years. The problems and hardships have helped it strengthen cause when you go through hardships with people it creates a bound that nothing can break loose. Adore U

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Day 36

Day 36

Beautystar, I just got off the phone with you and I’m so sorry that I had to be so curt but as you know time was a factor (11 minutes left this month). Also my celly is just right there inches away, in total silence and he doesn’t have a women so he doesn’t want to hear any mushy talk-I gotta live in a closet with this guy. Anyway so you know how 33 is a reoccurring number in my life well he told me that he drove from L.A. all the way across the country to South Carolina, stopped only once for a 2 hour nap, and the whole drive took 33 hours. Later he told me that he use to do dry cleaning for a lot of the costumes at Disneyland and that the only place in Disneyland that serves alcohol is this hidden place called Club 33. He told me these two stories on my 33^rd day of my 33 month sentence. I didn’t tell him that 33 was my number until after. Aint that weird? I mean Christ was crucified when he was 33 glover and my first birthday here I will turn 33. Anyway that was so sad that you were crying. You must love me more than I know like you said. So yeah 5 days in the hole now. Having a bunky may be a plus or minus I can’t really tell cause I only had my own cell for 10 hours that first day. The second day I was awoken to the rotation. I know that day it was a blessing because I became deathly ill and you have to yell loud through these thick doors to be heard. Also he was able to give me a little information about the hole since he’s been here 40 days. It’s funny cause his hair and facial hair are growing out as long as the Beatles during their hippy days. I think he looks like one of them too and since he wouldn’t tell me his name and never knew who his dad was and won’t talk about him I assume he is the son of Paul McCartney. 37 years old and raised here in L.A. –it’s possible. I mean, I’m just saying. Well we haven’t said more than a few sentences the last 2 days. I think we both only speak when spoken to. I believe I got him sick cause now he’s all congested and we are both snorers now cause of it. I’ve been sick in prison 11 days now. Oh so you mentioned how I have no job now that I’m in the hole. Is it that you feel sad that my time will go slower now or that I won’t be making the $5.30 a month? They will give me the job back as soon as I get out. 1 to 3 months is nothing compared to the 32 I have left and the 600 or so months left on my life and the googleplex times infinity left for my soul. So yeah my celly requested a haircut and shave which they allow once a month so he came back looking like a skinny Flint Barker meets Edward Norton. The worst thing about me in particular being is prison is that I am extremely conscious of everything. The best is that I’m neurotic. Each has some good depending on the situation. One might say that we need balance. Balance is good at times but if we were all in perfect balance we would all have similar personalities. I don’t think God made a mistake with some being imbalanced. Often psychology goes against the bible. Psychology says not to repress your feelings and it says that if you don’t express them you are repressing them. This is not true. The bible teaches more like let those feelings go. If someone slaps you on your right cheek don’t express your anger, simply turn your left cheek for them to slap also. Feelings are good and natural, God made them to accomplish stuff in us. It’s like why do doctors assume all depression is bad and try to rid it with medicine? We may need those low feelings either to humble us, give us compassion for others or passion and deepness etc... It is a steep climb to go from a low low to a high high. If one goes from high to higher that is not an extreme process of elevation-not as notable or observable as going from low to high or even more spectacular going from low low to a high high. The lower you are the more room for improvement and noteworthy the climb will be. I also feel like profound and everlasting changes don’t happen unless you experience some low lows. I know this from experience dude-if you know what I mean. So anyway there are some psychotics here in the SHU that scream, wail, talk like women and demons and bang out tribal beats on the walls for hours. Last night it went on til midnight. You are really flung into gaining patience in here as well as humility and a handful of other things. Example” I’m sitting on skid marks right now because I am not given adequate showers or amounts of TP and forced to wear a midgets tighty-whiteys (actually they are yellow and yes there is a real midget in here and they are giving me the underwear they use for him). I forgot to mention 2 days ago while I was outside for my hour of cage time I heard someone yelling my name from up in the J unit which is just over the walls. I look up but since they are standing behind a grill in a hall with an expansion prior to the window I couldn’t see who it was. They yelled again “Fox, what happened dog!?” Since I had no immediate answer for them I continued to proceed like I was looking for them shading the sun w/ my hand in silence as if I had to see them in order to hear them as well. So they had to be yelling loud enough for that whole range to hear so I can imagine the rumors and drama is really flying around the unit. I may come out of here with some respect depending on how long I am in here. I’m expecting to get an interview from the Lt. next week so I’ll try to get out of here ASAP. There is a slight chance it will be sooner than a month. I will be more grateful to get out there in the regular prison than ever before. I gotta write Jen and mom. Anyway so I have broke out in red spots here in the hole-some kind of rash or allergic reaction. Hopefully nothing too serious. I look weird though with red bumps all over. Never really had a rash before.

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Day 35

Day 35

Well I barely finished reading your letter today and it’s funny cause I know it’s established already but now that I’m around hundreds and hundreds of different guys (like 15% white collar), all age ranges and races I am the most different and unique guy I have ever known-funny, sweet and deep etc. I know you know but it’s even more standout now that I’m around guys every moment. I have a lot to improve on that’s why I wrote up personal vows for the first time in our marriage. I wanted to put in stone goals for me to consistently strive toward because the main attribute I can bring to husband hood is the amount of potential I have always had to be the perfect man. Well not totally perfect but better than the rest or whatever. I am so in love with you and it gives me the motivation to reach for improvement forever. My biggest challenge will be to not develop any typical husband crap which I’m well aware of how these hardworking men can become aholes or unfaithful to wife and bad fathers and all the typical male stuff y’know. The vows should be brought out to control that if it creeps in after years and years but I’m pretty good at staying aware of things so most likely won’t ever develop those basic traits. Anyway you know what’s funny is the only radio station that really come in here is talk radio (due to the radios setup for the TV audio). There is always this talk show on with a guy named Tom Leykis and his main theme is that marriage doesn’t benefit men at all-day after day, caller after caller either agrees or disputes it. He consistently states that men can have anything they want if they aren’t married and there is no advantage for them. He obviously doesn’t believe in God cause without marriage God doesn’t allow sex but the main thing with me is I adore the stability and that our relationship gets richer and more spiritual. It’s like we always say how can someone actually be intimate unless you spend much time with the one. So pretty much it may be true what he says in the physical realm but the benefits really lie in the spiritual and that’s the area that really counts in life. Anyway it is truly bizarre being locked in here 23 hours a day. I have the top bunk and the big fluorescent light that is barely over my head is left on 24/7. I sleep with a bright light on in here. I’ve  been told the the cell lights downstairs go off at 10pm and you are in the pitch dark whether you like it or not. I think that would suck more. Something else I learned is that on the weekend’s it’s 24 hours locked in the cell so this weekend I will spend 48 hours locked in a tiny space with a Beatle-my bunky. I was sitting on the toilet the other day and noticed that his shoes said McCartney- I said “you’re name McCartney” he said “yep” I said “like Paul McCartney” he said “yep” then yesterday (get it like the song) he didn’t want to go outside for our hour of cage pacing but I did and when I came back I looked at his ID on the outside of the door and his name is actually Paul McCartney –straight up- I haven’t bothered to mention it cause he hasn’t so he is probably sick of it. Aint that a trip though. Here I am locked in a cell all day with Paul McCartney. I should write a song about it. So yeah he’s been in the hole for 40 days so he has long hair long beard and mustache-I thought he looked like Charles Manson but he told me that out there he had short hair and people have always said he looks like Edward Norton and I totally see it. He is 37 and was born and raised here in Los Angeles. He was in the army for 8 years and was one step below sergeant and fought in desert storm. He had a lawyer so went to trial for pirating and lost like the 9 out of 10 do federally. He got 40 months and has been here 7. So anyway member how the idea was that I was going to journal each day and reflect and all that well nothing happens in the hole-nothing-they open the cubby and throw your food in and you can get cuffed and go to a cage in the afternoon-the end so…I will need to write about some memories and theories and fun stuff like that a lot. Anyway well I’m still sick and it’s the most stuffed up I’ve ever been. My nose has not unplugged since I’ve been in here. This indoor air all day and night and the laying or sitting all day and night because my celly is on the bottom bunk and it’s so small in here it’s not appropriate to get down and just stand there and stare at the wall. They still won’t give me my stuff –like my bible- oh that reminds me my celly is a pagan. That’s his religion is paganism. You really don’t want to talk much about religion when locked in here with the person cause no one around can hear you and the guards are downstairs 99.5% of the time. They pass through once in a while. I had to ask for TP many times. It took all day to get some. Celly and I only talk for maybe 2 hours a day and mainly in the evening. In the day it’s lots of silence. He’s divorced and his wife cheated on him so he doesn’t really like or have respect for marriage or women. So I can’t really talk about you much. Well I’m going to send this letter out cause there is a list of 10 things you can buy in the hole and paper is one and stamps are another but since we will only be talking on the phone 15 minutes a month and I don’t know how long I’ll be in here I’m actually saving that money in calls. So our main communication will be the writing so right now in SHU (the hole) you can go back to sending letters often just til I get out of here. I let you know immediately but supposedly 30 to 90 days is the average. I also want you to get those vows somewhat close to our anniversary. I love you dearly my best friend and I’ll send out 2 or 3 letters a week cause I bought 20 stamps, this pad and envelopes. Don’t worry about me – I keep getting torn down and then God builds me up and I adjust and can handle anything. I love you and I’m afraid they might come by with mail any second and I won’t get this out. Mucho Amo!

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